all i wanna do is blog

and i really hit enter instead of tab
blah

i have a feeling im gonna actually do wat i wanna do and say wat i wanna say
or beat around the bush like a tend to do

i know im not gonna say what i want to say
because this is the internet
its public
and im not stupid


idk
i just got cut really deep by some words
words of my creation

well, a whole document
and more than one
particularly the words
"you know, seeing someone cry is my weakness
that got me before and hit me hard
i cried because i hurt someone that was hurting me
it was stupud
and i hated it"

i hate that i only feel safe venting to a notepad document
i hate that thats the best way for me to get over w.e
although i know it does nothing

i hate wen i do stupid shit
like why wld i make a long ass document
and y do i title it like its for someone

yes, i always remember who my documents are about
but, i guess there have been a few times


idk

i just wanna like come out and rant bout everthing
but i cnt

and i feel really guilty
because i feel like the people im closest to know me the least
maybe its just because im not stupid
or maybe its because im weird

i find it weird i can trust someone i literally just met, more than someone ive known for years
i find it weird that i trust guys more than girls
i find it weird that i randomly ALWAYS find my self tangled up in someone and their depression
and i hate when someone vents to me and all i can say is "i kno wat u mean"

i hate being the problem sovler
and i hate being the issue givver

i hate being brought down
and i hate feeling like im brinng people down

i hate when i wanna vent to someone
then they monolopize the convo bout them
i hate it
but thats what im drawn to
oddly

i hate that i have those times where im just a weak little grl
and it feels like im so easily manipulated
and i hate wen i point that out
and someone rants about how they wont do that
BUT buy them saying that they are doing it

i hate that atleast one of the full like 3 ppl that read this will tell me they agree or know what i mean

i hate being different
and i hate being the same

i hate that 80% of my life is just a giant contradiction

i hate that the world is a giant butt fuck of contradictions

and i hate that i hate everything

i hate that i hurt from laying at this awkward angel and typing, but wanna keep going

i hate that im random
and wen someone said wats up
i said laying in bed half naked and ranting bout how much i hate everything on my blog

i also hated that they had a response, and didnt leave it at that

i hate when someone asks whats wrong
i also say it feels like i have a broken heart
cuz wen im dwn like
thats wat i feel
its weird
idk

and i wldnt say its a broken heart
idk how to descibe it

its like a skunken heart
its like a oh shit my dreams are shatterd sunken heart
but its not
its like
the feeling u get in ur tummy wen u go over a whee bump
but in my heart
and its weird
its like a good feeling, but its not
its bittersweet
and stupid
and dumb
and sdfisdlfjsdlkfjsdflskd

i hate that when i smash the keyboard it can mean ne thing from im really hyper and excited to i swear to god imma kill every one last or u mother fuckers

i hate that i enjoy rating

and i also hate that i might not post this



i hate that i cant say some shit i wanna say
and i hate that when i type everything in here, i have one specific event or person in mind, but make it relate to everything at once



i hate that i keep saying i hate

i like mushrooms
because they have an awkward texture
and flavor
like olives

i hate that wen im dwn i either binge eat or dont eat nething

i hate how pretty my key board looks
just calling me to type more

i hate that i keep putting i hate
obviously u kno that i hate everything

i hate that im a sucker for attention
i like it
but to a certain extent

i hate that...i dnt even fucking know what i hate, but i know i hate it

i hate that ur not replying to my txts, and u like the reason i went on this goddamn rant!

i hate that im unsure if i believe in god or not
i just hate being unsure
i also hate being sure
because there is room for error

i hate the word perfect
that is my least favorite word in this whole forsaken universe
its like a myth
there is no such thing as perfect
ever
ever
ever ever ever

i hate when people think that they are too smart for love
or just dont believe in it
i believe that everyone can love
has loved
and will love

i believe in hope
and that everything happens for a reason
i wish everyone could see and understand those 2 beliefs of mine

then i believe everyone would be happier,
not even happier
but better
and more content

i dont believe that all you need is love
because there is a difference between whats real and whats fake
and i think that people need to see the difference

yet, idk y i think that i can tell
but i think i can
i have the feeling like i know between whats real and whats fake

and i only think there is one person i ever truley loved
and still do
since i first found them
till this day
and i refuse to tell ne one
because i know no matter who i tell
they will knock me down

and when i have an opinion
and i 100% true heatedly relive, know, and feel right
the worse thing you can do is tear me down
and i refuse to let any one touch me on this one
because im not ready to be challenged on it yet

so please dont guess
because you may, just to joke, but you may be right, and im not ready to crumble that far to the ground yet


i hold very few things close and dear but i hold those few little morals like one would hold their last breath of air before they slowly fade away

and now just thinking of said person makes me smile
and happy
and i feel like everything is going to be okay
and i want to cry, but happy tears
and i like it

and i dont want to be mad
i want to sleep in peace

so maybe i will post this
and this can be my happy ending <3





~The End :)<3