I've been rather depressed, and rightfully so. The most prominent thing is that I haven't been taking my meds. I think it's been a little over a month.
I don't really even know what I'm depressed about, but I guess that's what depression is.
The main reason I stopped taking them, which also so happens to be the reason I never wanted to start taking them, is because I don't like how they changed me. It may be weird, but I'm so different on them, I'm not sure if it shows, but I can feel it. I know Jasen said that he can tell I'm less depressed when I'm on them, and when one or both of us aren't on our meds, we fight/argue more. I really do hate the ladder. I mean, yea, I like being not randomly depressed, who wouldn't? But I like how I am when I'm not on them. I'm different. I feel different. I feel, more in control, I guess.
Example: When I was on them, at work when I got really frustrated/irritated/stressed/whatever you wanna call it, I would cry. I mean, that was just a normal thing regardless. But once I got off them I was able to handle my emotions better. I was in a situation that made me feel that way at work, what happened was that I was trying to get fries for an order so I could run it, and I guess I was in the way of the printer, and chef just pushed me out of the way to get the fucking ticket. My automatic instinct was to throw the tongs (that we use to get fries) in the window (where they belong if I may add) and just walked away. I went through the dining room, down the stairs, and to dry storage, then came back. I got an apology of "sorry I pushed you, you were being to slow" or something along those lines. I said it's okay, then promptly continued my job. Now, here's what I believe would have happened if I was on my meds. I would have gotten irritated or what ever and just let it got, but it would build inside me, and more insignificant things would add to it, and eventually I would break and loose it.
I also feel like I'm more in control without them. I'm louder, I focus more, and over all, I do my job better. I've expod/food ran at francos and taste for a few years with out meds, and I did it well. I was a pretty damn good at it, not only in my opinion, but from what I've been told. I was in control. I called out what I needed, loudly, made sure I got a response. I'd semi memorize all the tickets so when asked something I knew it. I called for what I was missing, and asked for etas. I owned it. I wouldn't think twice about telling a server to back the fuck off. I'm not sure if it was because I was new to the environment and system, I mean, in the beginning it was, but it shouldn't have taken me so long to get use to. I'm not sure if it was how I was being treated and talked to by chef, but I was told that I did a kick ass job for what he puts me through and other stuff along those lines. He has been better, and maybe that's why I've been doing better. I'm correcting him, a lot. And I'm showing him that I really know what I'm doing and I can handle it.
Maybe it's weird that I think it's because of my anti-depressants since there are a lot of other factors. But, I don't know. I just feel, different, more powerful maybe. Another reason, and a main one, that makes me feel like I kick ass at my job is because I work better under stress, not really stress, in a bind maybe. I'm not really sure what to call it. But I feel like when I'm on my meds and put in those situations I go straight into a panic and freak out and fuck up and then can't handle the reactions and criticism I get. Who knows.
I've considered talking to my doctor about changing my meds, but I told her to put me on prozac since I knew it worked. I mean, it would be weird to tell her to change it, but I mean, I was on them when I started, then got off them and noticed the change, but I guess I didn't really piece it together until I did it a second time. I really want to go to my therapist, for some reason. I NEVER wanted to go to one, hell, it took me YEARS to finally be able to confront a doctor about my depression and admit I needed meds. But I only did that because Jasen showed me I needed them by giving me his old script. But I feel like a therapist will be able to help me more, I love my doctor, she's pretty cool (and that means something since I have a hatred for doctors), but the fact that she said that she wants me to go to a therapist is because she wants to make sure that she has me on the right meds makes me want to see one now.
I had a doctor appointment a few weeks ago, but I over slept and didn't go. I had a therapist appointment last week, but we needed my pay check for food and stuff, and I wasn't sure about how much the co pay would be and how much my check would be, so, luckily, I canceled it. I say luckily because, surprise, surprise, paychecks weren't there on thursday.
I have more to say, but I need to get a shower and get ready for work. I probably won't end up posting about it when I get home since I'll probably be dead. I've been awake for 25 or so hours so far, and I work from 3:30 until probably close. So I'm coming home and passing the fuck out. Plus I want to try to get there like 20mins early so I can fight with them to give me my tips from last night. If they say no I'm going to throw a bitch fit. I'm going to be like "I need to go by tobacco and shit because I don't have any fucking cigarettes, and I NEED to get food because if I have to eat noodles one more fucking night I'm going to kill myself, I seriously haven't eaten anything i two days because I'm so fucking sick of them, so either you give me my money now, or you cut me when the game starts because every thing is going to be closed by the time I leave if you keep me until after the fucking game." Except probably with less swearing, depending on who it is. And if they have some smart ass comment like "well order and eat food now, then pay us when you get your tips" and/or "sunoco is 24hrs, get cigarettes there" Imma flip. Like, I have a boyfriend that needs to eat too, and changes are I'll forget to pay back the server, and what if I order from someone that gets cut before me?" and "I'm not spending $15 on two fucking packs of cigarettes that'll last a day, when I can spend $21 on a big bag of tobacco and 2 boxes of tubes and have it last me two weeks."
anyways, this is way longer than I wanted it to be. And it probably wouldn't have been if I was able to get a shower when I wanted to. At 1:30.
4/18/14
4/3/14
it said 100 random questions, but there were only 99 and two were repeated...soooo 97 random questions I guess...
- Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4. "isn't enough anymore...I feel like I'm only halfway there..."
- Stretch your left arm out as far as you can, What can you touch? The wall
- Before you started this survey, what were you doing? Watching The Outsiders
- Without looking, guess what time it is. 7:33 am, that was the time last time I looked, haha
- Now look at the clock. What is the actual time? 7:38 am
- With the exception of the computer, what can you hear? The TV
- When did you last step outside? What were you doing? When I was leaving work. Going home.
- Did you dream last night? I didn't even sleep...
- Do you remember your dreams? Sometimes, they are always weird as shit.
- When did you last laugh? Probably sometime during work.
- Do you remember why / at what? Someone said something funny, haha
- What is on the walls of the room you are in? A bunch of posters and pictures of bands and stuff, and a pound reese wrapper, and the Eleven Satanic Rules of The Earth.
- Seen anything weird lately? Everything I say is weird...
- What do you think of this quiz? Meh, it's not as fun as I thought it would be, but it's something to do to keep me awake I guess
- What is the last film you saw? Well, I'm watching/listening to The Outsiders now...
- If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? Portland Oregon.
- If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy? Tickets to every concert Jasen and I wanted to go to, and Monster, like, the company xD haha
- Tell me something about you that most people don't know. I use to self harm...a lot. And use to be highly suicidal...
- If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do? ahhh, there is so many things that NEED changed, I don't know what to pick. I might either go with there being NO discrimination/bias when it comes to appearance/style like piercings, tattoos, hair style and color, make-up, ect. or making ALL drug legal, not just weed, but coke, heroin, molly, acid ect, ect, that way there would be less drug related deaths (no laced stuff, fake stuff, deadly chemicials mixed in, clean needles, new pipes, ect ect.) and jails wouldn't be filled with drug dealers and users and real criminals, like murders and rapist would be in jail.
- Do you like you to dance? I like moshing and doing walls of death. haha.
- Would you ever consider living abroad? no
- Does your name make any interesting anagrams? ill ho xD haha
- Who made the last incoming call on your phone? Me, haha.
- What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer? Some questionnaire thingys for my Dr.
- Last time you swam in a pool? Fuck if I remember, haha, like the summer before last I thing, lolz
- Type of music you like most? Nu metal
- Type of music you dislike most? Gangsta rap
- Are you listening to music right now? nopers
- What color is your bedroom carpet? a weird tanish brownish color. haha
- If you could change something about your home, without worry about expense or mess, what would you do? That it didn't seem so dirty, even when it's clean.
- What was the last thing you bought? Slushies xD
- Have you ever ridden on a motorbike? If by motorbike you mean motorcycle, then yes...as long as dirt bikes count xD
- Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? Despite my fear of heights...yes, I'd love to!
- Do you have a garden? nope, I don't even have a yard, lolz. I like in a duplex/apartment building on a main road in nortside, lolz
- Do you really know all the words to your national anthem? probably not.
- What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning? If I wake up to an alarm normally 'I wanna go back to sleep', haha. If I sleep in, normally 'fuck I can't believe it's ____o'clock!'
- If you could eat lunch with one famous person, who would it be? Either Nikki Sixx, Ronnie Radke, or Marilyn Manson
- Who sent the last text message you received? My mommy! :)
- Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? I actually practically did that at the army navy store buying docs for me and jasen xD
- What time is bed time? whenever I feel like going to sleep, I'm an adult BITCH!!
- Have you ever been in a beauty pageant? bahahahahahahahahaha.
- How many tattoos do you have? 14, I think I have more now, I don't feel like counting
- If you don't have any, have you ever thought of getting one? I'm getting more xDDD
- What did you do for your last birthday? idr, hung out with jasen. I went to go see the 4th of july fireworks and that's when me and my family and stuff celebrated my birthday
- Do you carry a donor card? nope
- Who was the last person you ate dinner with? I guess jasen, haha
- Is the glass half empty or half full? neither, it's just half way
- What's the farthest-away place you've been? I've been to Canada and Mexico, I'm not sure which is farther...haha
- When's the last time you ate a homegrown tomato? hmmm, it's been a while, probably last summer
- Have you ever won a trophy? yupp, for chess and a box car race or some shit, lolz
- Are you a good cook? idk, I mean, I can cook, and it's not bad, but I need a recipe unless it's something simple, lolz
- Do you know how to pump your own gas? yes, even though I've only done it, like, once, haha
- If you could meet any one person (from history or currently alive), who would it be? gah, alive, Nikki Sixx, Tommy Lee, Ronnie Radke, or Marilyn Manson. Dead, The Rev, Erick Harris or Dylan Klebold.
- Have you ever had to wear a uniform to school? uggg, for 8 years in grade school, and my high school had a super strict business attire dress code.
- Do you touch-type? assuming that means like texting on a touch screen phone...not often since I have a tangle keyboard, or qwerty keyboard, w/e you wanna call it.
- What's under your bed? nothing, haha, we don't have a bed frame, just a mattress on a box spring/
- Do you believe in love at first sight? Yes, but only because it happened to me with Jasen :)<3 li="">
- Think fast, what do you like right now? Jasen :)<3 li="">
- Where were you on Valentine's day? At home with the love of my life :)<4 li="">
- What time do you get up? Depends if I work and what time I need to be there...
- What was the name of your first pet? Violet, if you count a fish as a real pet, but Whitesox was my first 'real' pet, she was a kitty xD
- Who is the second to last person to call you? no idea, no one ever calls me, haha, probably my dr office though, lolz
- Is there anything going on this weekend? work
- How are you feeling right now? like complete and utter shit.
- What do you think about the most? hmmm, it's a tie between Jasen and money/finical shit. x___x
- What time do you get up in the morning? depends if I work and what time
- If you had A Big Win in the Lottery, how long would you wait to tell people? I wouldn't tell people...actually, I might post something on fb, but it would just be saying I won, I sure as hell wouldn't say how much I won!
- Who would you tell first? Jasen, because he would be with me when I found out...I'd probably tell my parents, haha...and anyone I owed money to so I could pay them back.
- What is the last movie that you saw at the cinema? shit, I can't remember
- Do you sing in the shower? only if music is playing
- Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? this was already asked...
- What do you do most when you are bored? facebook
- What do you do for a living? work at a dead end job that pays shit because i get shitty hours
- Do you love your job? some aspects
- What did you want to be when you grew up? sooo many different things, a race car driver, an ambulance driver, a fire truck driver, a cop car driver (not a cop, or firefighter or parametic) a sign person, a vet, a roller coaster engineer, the list goes on and on.
- If you could have any job, what would you want to do/be? a music engineer/music producer.
- Which came first the chicken or the egg? well, chicken is first in the dictionary...
- How many keys on your key ring? 6 keys for houses and shit, and 3 for like, master locks and stuff like that
- Where would you retire to? haven't got that far yet...
- What kind of car do you drive? my feet, lolz
- What are your best physical features? my eyes
- What are your best characteristics? no idea, i guess my sense of humor or open/kind heart
- If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you go? no idea, I'd love to visit LA...the sunset strip and hollywood stars
- What kind of books do you like to read? ones about musicians
- Where would you want to retire to? another repeated question...so far this is only 98 questions...
- What is your favorite time of the day? night time
- Where did you grow up? pittsburgh, brookline to be exact
- How far away from your birthplace do you live now? like a 20 min drive
- What are you reading now? nothing really, I've been reading The Dirt, Motley Crue's autobiography on and off for the past few years, haha
- Are you a morning person or a night owl? night owl!!!!
- Can you touch your nose with your tongue? yessir
- Can you close your eyes and raise your eyebrows? mmhm
- Do you have pets? kinda, I have a kitty, but he hates me, haha. he's also at my parents house because I can't have pets in my apartment, jasen doesn't like animals, and we are too poor to afford to take care of one.
- How many rings before you answer the phone? whenever I hear it I answer it, unless I d on't want to talk to the person
- What is your best childhood memory? idk, haha. probably all the times my cousins would all come to pgh and we'd hag out at my grandmas :)
- What are some of the different jobs that you have had in your life? I've done EVERYTHING in restaurants except be a server, bartender, and manager...technically I wasn't a line cook, but I've done salads/desserts...and I've done a little bit of fryer stuff
- Any new and exciting things that you would like to share? ummm, i have to be at work at 930, so I have to leave at 920 at the ABSOLUTE latest and its 847 now and I have yet to shower and get ready what so ever, haha...oooops
- What is most important in life? Jasen :)<3 li="">
- What Inspires You? Music
my life...
*sigh*
there's no point going to sleep
works gonna be fun tomorrow :/
gotta be at work at 9:30
my alarms are set to start at 6:30
fucking pointless.
I didn't even get home till 1:15ish
bullshit.
They shouldn't have had me stay till the end of the game.
And they should have fucking cut me way before the 6th extra inning and a half hour before the kitchen closed.
I'm so fucking pissed.
At the gm, for saying I was staying till the end of the game.
For the Pirates for getting three fucking outs when the bases were loaded.
For the closing manager for keeping me so fucking long.
For me being out of prozac and ativan.
For the fact I'm depressed.
For the fact every little thing I fucking annoying me.
For the fact I need to be at work from 9:30 am till god knows when, seeing as how this past game was fucking 20 years long.
For the fact I'm afraid to goto sleep because I'm scared I wont wake up to my alarms.
Because all I want to fucking do is cry right now.
Since I know I'm gonna be tired as fuck, annoyed as fuck, and gonna have to deal with the ass hole head chef tomorrow.
Just fucking everything.
I just hate everything.
I just want to scream.
I'm on the verge of bawling my eyes out.
I just want to quit.
and give up.
I'm just so...everything right now.
I can't fucking take it.
I'm gonna try to get out of having to stay till after the game tomorrow.
Normally I wouldn't care as much, but I'll already be awake for over 24hr before I even have to leave for work.
The game will start at 27 hours.
And we most likely wont even be busy enough for it to be worth it.
If I leave at my scheduled time 32.
And then I'll come home and either not be able to sleep or pass the fuck out until I need to wake up for work on friday or wake up at like 3am and not be able to go back to sleep and then be all miserable again.
And I fucking hate when all I do us work then sleep then work then sleep. I need free time. I can't stand doing that kinda shit. That's the main reason I'm happy I only have one job.
But next week I don't have any fucking shifts.
And I won't fucking have any till the thursday after next.
I hate how they fucking schedule to me.
It's bullshit.
It's like I'm no longer a host during pirate season.
I'm only a food runner.
If there isn't a game, they don't need me, so I don't exist.
I can't explain how fucking used they make me feel.
I know I make good money during pirate season, but only when there are games.
I swear, if and when I find a new job, even if it's part time, I'm quitting fucking BZ in a heart beat.
I love the people there, for the most part.
I adore the fucking enviorment.
But, I can't stand the way the head chef treats me.
I can't stand the way I'm scheduled.
I seriously can't keep feeling so degraded and worthless and used by my job and the fucking people there.
It's not okay.
It tears me apart mentally and emotionally.
I can't stand it.
It's not healthy.
ugggg, something needs to change before I loose it.
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