Update?...Or Something...

I've been rather depressed, and rightfully so. The most prominent thing is that I haven't been taking my meds. I think it's been a little over a month.

I don't really even know what I'm depressed about, but I guess that's what depression is.

The main reason I stopped taking them, which also so happens to be the reason I never wanted to start taking them, is because I don't like how they changed me. It may be weird, but I'm so different on them, I'm not sure if it shows, but I can feel it. I know Jasen said that he can tell I'm less depressed when I'm on them, and when one or both of us aren't on our meds, we fight/argue more. I really do hate the ladder. I mean, yea, I like being not randomly depressed, who wouldn't? But I like how I am when I'm not on them. I'm different. I feel different. I feel, more in control, I guess.

Example: When I was on them, at work when I got really frustrated/irritated/stressed/whatever you wanna call it, I would cry. I mean, that was just a normal thing regardless. But once I got off them I was able to handle my emotions better. I was in a situation that made me feel that way at work, what happened was that I was trying to get fries for an order so I could run it, and I guess I was in the way of the printer, and chef just pushed me out of the way to get the fucking ticket. My automatic instinct was to throw the tongs (that we use to get fries) in the window (where they belong if I may add) and just walked away. I went through the dining room, down the stairs, and to dry storage, then came back. I got an apology of "sorry I pushed you, you were being to slow" or something along those lines. I said it's okay, then promptly continued my job. Now, here's what I believe would have happened if I was on my meds. I would have gotten irritated or what ever and just let it got, but it would build inside me, and more insignificant things would add to it, and eventually I would break and loose it.

I also feel like I'm more in control without them. I'm louder, I focus more, and over all, I do my job better. I've expod/food ran at francos and taste for a few years with out meds, and I did it well. I was a pretty damn good at it, not only in my opinion, but from what I've been told. I was in control. I called out what I needed, loudly, made sure I got a response. I'd semi memorize all the tickets so when asked something I knew it. I called for what I was missing, and asked for etas. I owned it. I wouldn't think twice about telling a server to back the fuck off. I'm not sure if it was because I was new to the environment and system, I mean, in the beginning it was, but it shouldn't have taken me so long to get use to. I'm not sure if it was how I was being treated and talked to by chef, but I was told that I did a kick ass job for what he puts me through and other stuff along those lines. He has been better, and maybe that's why I've been doing better. I'm correcting him, a lot. And I'm showing him that I really know what I'm doing and I can handle it.

Maybe it's weird that I think it's because of my anti-depressants since there are a lot of other factors. But, I don't know. I just feel, different, more powerful maybe. Another reason, and a main one, that makes me feel like I kick ass at my job is because I work better under stress, not really stress, in a bind maybe. I'm not really sure what to call it. But I feel like when I'm on my meds and put in those situations I go straight into a panic and freak out and fuck up and then can't handle the reactions and criticism I get. Who knows.

I've considered talking to my doctor about changing my meds, but I told her to put me on prozac since I knew it worked. I mean, it would be weird to tell her to change it, but I mean, I was on them when I started, then got off them and noticed the change, but I guess I didn't really piece it together until I did it a second time. I really want to go to my therapist, for some reason. I NEVER wanted to go to one, hell, it took me YEARS to finally be able to confront a doctor about my depression and admit I needed meds. But I only did that because Jasen showed me I needed them by giving me his old script. But I feel like a therapist will be able to help me more, I love my doctor, she's pretty cool (and that means something since I have a hatred for doctors), but the fact that she said that she wants me to go to a therapist is because she wants to make sure that she has me on the right meds makes me want to see one now.

I had a doctor appointment a few weeks ago, but I over slept and didn't go. I had a therapist appointment last week, but we needed my pay check for food and stuff, and I wasn't sure about how much the co pay would be and how much my check would be, so, luckily, I canceled it. I say luckily because, surprise, surprise, paychecks weren't there on thursday.




I have more to say, but I need to get a shower and get ready for work. I probably won't end up posting about it when I get home since I'll probably be dead. I've been awake for 25 or so hours so far, and I work from 3:30 until probably close. So I'm coming home and passing the fuck out. Plus I want to try to get there like 20mins early so I can fight with them to give me my tips from last night. If they say no I'm going to throw a bitch fit. I'm going to be like "I need to go by tobacco and shit because I don't have any fucking cigarettes, and I NEED to get food because if I have to eat noodles one more fucking night I'm going to kill myself, I seriously haven't eaten anything i two days because I'm so fucking sick of them, so either you give me my money now, or you cut me when the game starts because every thing is going to be closed by the time I leave if you keep me until after the fucking game." Except probably with less swearing, depending on who it is. And if they have some smart ass comment like "well order and eat food now, then pay us when you get your tips" and/or "sunoco is 24hrs, get cigarettes there" Imma flip. Like, I have a boyfriend that needs to eat too, and changes are I'll forget to pay back the server, and what if I order from someone that gets cut before me?" and "I'm not spending $15 on two fucking packs of cigarettes that'll last a day, when I can spend $21 on a big bag of tobacco and 2 boxes of tubes and have it last me two weeks."


anyways, this is way longer than I wanted it to be. And it probably wouldn't have been if I was able to get a shower when I wanted to. At 1:30.