my life...

*sigh*

there's no point going to sleep

works gonna be fun tomorrow :/

gotta be at work at 9:30
my alarms are set to start at 6:30

fucking pointless.

I didn't even get home till 1:15ish
bullshit.

They shouldn't have had me stay till the end of the game.
And they should have fucking cut me way before the 6th extra inning and a half hour before the kitchen closed.

I'm so fucking pissed.
At the gm, for saying I was staying till the end of the game.
For the Pirates for getting three fucking outs when the bases were loaded.
For the closing manager for keeping me so fucking long.
For me being out of prozac and ativan.
For the fact I'm depressed.
 For the fact every little thing I fucking annoying me.
For the fact I need to be at work from 9:30 am till god knows when, seeing as how this past game was fucking 20 years long.
For the fact I'm afraid to goto sleep because I'm scared I wont wake up to my alarms.
Because all I want to fucking do is cry right now.
Since I know I'm gonna be tired as fuck, annoyed as fuck, and gonna have to deal with the ass hole head chef tomorrow.
Just fucking everything.

I just hate everything.
I just want to scream.
I'm on the verge of bawling my eyes out.
I just want to quit.
and give up.
I'm just so...everything right now.

I can't fucking take it.

I'm gonna try to get out of having to stay till after the game tomorrow.

Normally I wouldn't care as much, but I'll already be awake for over 24hr before I even have to leave for work.
The game will start at 27 hours.
And we most likely wont even be busy enough for it to be worth it.
If I leave at my scheduled time 32.

And then I'll come home and either not be able to sleep or pass the fuck out until I need to wake up for work on friday or wake up at like 3am and not be able to go back to sleep and then be all miserable again.

And I fucking hate when all I do us work then sleep then work then sleep. I need free time. I can't stand doing that kinda shit. That's the main reason I'm happy I only have one job.

But next week I don't have any fucking shifts.
And I won't fucking have any till the thursday after next.
I hate how they fucking schedule to me.
It's bullshit.
It's like I'm no longer a host during pirate season.
I'm only a food runner.
If there isn't a game, they don't need me, so I don't exist.

I can't explain how fucking used they make me feel.
I know I make good money during pirate season, but only when there are games.
I swear, if and when I find a new job, even if it's part time, I'm quitting fucking BZ in a heart beat.

I love the people there, for the most part.
I adore the fucking enviorment.
But, I can't stand the way the head chef treats me.
I can't stand the way I'm scheduled.

I seriously can't keep feeling so degraded and worthless and used by my job and the fucking people there.
It's not okay.
It tears me apart mentally and emotionally.
I can't stand it.
It's not healthy.


ugggg, something needs to change before I loose it.