fuck.
i looked at my cover page and started fangirling.
being a fan girl is hard :/

like seriously,
you'll never understand what i go through.
being really self conscious doesn't help either.
because when i pass a guy in a band i like i can't be like "oh hai, can i take a picture with you?" or "your really awesome"

no,
i just get a love struck feeling and look in my eyes
and awkwardly stare at them
as i die of overwhelming happiness on the inside.



but on the plus side,
im not a crazy fan girl that does something stupid
like
crowd surf to get past the barriers and security gaurds
and then jump on stage.

i'm glad i have self control




this was long and pointless.
but i killed some time so i would be able to get some sleep and stop fangirling.
haha.

1. i just realized that my post below this one is fucked up for some reason

and it pisses me off, because it just like ruined the whole thing and now im mad



but anyways
i made a sammich
it was the most amazing thing in the world

it consisted of
-hummus
-bbq sauce
-normal mustard
-dijion mustard
-mayo
-turkey
-salmi
-american chesse
-shredded cheddar cheese
-cheese diritos
-fresh tomatoe
-lettuces
and i think thats it
it was yummmmmrificial :D
hehe

and i really wish that there bacon on it
and that perpochnii [or w/e the other name for banana peppers is] and feta spread on it :3


but yea
im a good woman
and really fucking proud of this sammich
for really no reason
like
im really fucking excited...about...a fucking sandwich.
its kinda actually depressing
haha
but yea

i need a man to make awesome sammiches for
except i really dont
haha




any who
i was at a park today
with people
actually, 4 guys
and the only reason i pointed that out was because they were all standing at one point
and i was the only one sitting
and i was like "i feel really uncomfortable because im the only one sitting" and then one of them was like "how does it feel to be the only girl?"
my response "how is it supposed to feel?"
any who
back to the main point of this story
as all of us are trolling around a park at 11pm pretty much all wearing black
what happens
the cops rule up
what else is new
not one car
but two cars
with at least 3 officers
the one cop got out of the car and told us to "run before the other cop gets there or we would all get a citation"
yes
a cop told us to run from another cop
and since we were all weary about running away from cops
not all of us ran, or at least ran fast
and the cop yelles "your not running fast enough"

and none of us fully believed that more cops would be there
so we creeped around [way out of the way] and evidently someone saw more than three cars.

so yea
not only have i become really comfortable with randomly vomiting places
but
ive also became use to be confronted by cops
and can now easily recognize a cop car.

this is now my life.
cops and vomiting.




oh yea, and sammiches i guess.

fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.

instead of telling you whats happening, ill do something different


 

him: "u me plus bed 'stupid boys name' <3 girls="girls" name="name" s="s" some="some">
me: "?"
him: "lol 'stupid boys name' <3 girls="girls" name="name" p="p" s="s" some="some">me: "ugggg x_x boys are weird"
him: "ik im alil fucked up ''stupid boys name' <3 girls="girls" name="name" p="p" s="s" some="some">me: "oh...r u okay tho? i saw your statuses last night and got kinda concerned...but you never replied"
him: "i still a lil pissed 'stupid boys name' <3 girls="girls" name="name" p="p" s="s" some="some">me: "about?"
----------------hour passes--------------------
me: "btw, texting someone 'you me plus bed' while your signature is'stupid boys name' <3 a="a" br="br" girls="girls" good="good" idea...js="idea...js" isnt="isnt" name="name" probably="probably" s="s" some="some">
him: "she put it there ''stupid boys name' <3 girls="girls" name="name" p="p" s="s" some="some">me: "like i said...just saying..."
him: "ok...night 'stupid boys name' <3 girls="girls" name="name" p="p" s="s" some="some">me: "w.e"
him: "yup w.e ''stupid boys name' <3 girls="girls" name="name" p="p" s="s" some="some">---------nerd rage phone across the room, make tea and sit out side for a bit----------------
-------------gets phone and turns it back on, then gets tired of biting my tongue-------------
me: "id like to inform you that youve been really good at irritating me recently...js"
him: "well i was in the hospital and i'm about to put myself there again 'stupid boys name' <3 girls="girls" name="name" p="p" s="s" some="some">me: "you know what, fuck it...idc...i was concerned when you told me that, and wanted to make sure your okay...i saw statuses about you cutting yourself and wanting to drink yourself to death, i texted you trying to talk to you, i tried to help...but if your not gonna reach out to a hand waving in your face why should i care?"
him: "don't idc 'stupid boys name' <3 girls="girls" name="name" p="p" s="s" some="some">him: "so y should u.'stupid boys name' <3 girls="girls" name="name" p="p" s="s" some="some">me: "what do you mean by "dont idc?" i can only care so much, then i can only push myself to care after that point...but you managed to push me over the limit"



and thats where the convo ended
im debating if i should send another text or not
one thats semi apologizing, but not fully
one that shows im not being the bad guy
and its his fault for me acting this way towards him


ugggg



idk, i feel better now tho

blah, sitting at eyeball park
bored as tits

my phones dying
i guess its about time i steal electricity from crazy mocha...or i can wait till i go back to work
so instead of buying something i dont want to charge my phone i can get paid to do it...lolz

logic...i haz it ^_^

and i noticed that pretty much all i do on my breaks is randomly quote lyrics...normally outta no where

i mean, i guess sometimes they have meaning
idk

i think its starting to rain
waaaaaaaah D:

i got stuff on my mind...but nothing thats really bothering me
incase you cared
or that mattered

idk

idk what to say
sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo titties

end of discussion. titties.

titties.

i don't like the drugs but the drugs like me.








except it's the other way around.









i've been becoming way too use to vomiting.
i've been becoming way too comfortable with vomiting.
it's way too casual.
it's way to easy to handle.



this isn't okay.

but some how i'm okay with it.





in the past i've vomited at least 10 times.
only twice at my house.
the rest down town, brookline, even the trolley.


this is too much stress on my body.
i'm not putting enough nutrients into my body to be able to handle all the toxins.
if i continue i know that my body will slowly shut done.
i feel like i'm becoming anorexic or bulimic.
i no longer even try to force my self to eat.
if i want to, i will, if i don't i won't.
i'm letting my body control it self instead of my mind.


one day i'll binge eat.
then there are those days where i only eat french fries and icing.
or today.
an energy drink for breakfast.
a coffee for lunch.
a full hostess cup cake and just the icing from another for dinner.
and a large slushie for dessert.
but lots of water in the mix.



i thought sunday was going to be day one.
but it was just a break down.
i thought today was going to be day one, tomorrow day two, then thursday be day one again.
but no.
tomorrow will be day one.
and i'll make it through at least a week.
i promise my self that.
a promise i plan on keeping.


i will not get out of control.
i will not allow something so stupid to control me.
i'm stronger than this.
i know it.
i just don't want to believe it.


i just don't like the depression.
that's really the only reason.
but knowing that makes it worse.
because then i'm allowing depression to drive and control me.
something that no matter how hard i tried not to let do.
something i thought i was over.

but all i found were new vices.
more expensive vices.

on the plus, i'm losing weight.
a lot.
probably faster than safe.
probably more than safe.
i'm not sure if it's my new vices.
or if it's my new job.
or both.

i wish i could say that i fear living the future that i always thought i would lead.
but i can't.
i have it so set in my mind that i'm not afraid of it.




i fell like this is borderline okay.
until i look at how comfortable i am with things that i shouldn't be.

it's not sane to say "i'm use to vomiting".
no matter if it's true or not.
hell, i shouldn't even be use constantly feeling nauseated.
even though that happened long ago.

i'll be fine.
and i know i will be.
i just need to say that.
and get it out in the open.


plus, i had the undying urge to vent/rant some more.
and blog, i feel like i haven't done this in a while.

especially on such one focused topic.
i like being focused.
i enjoy being able to hold a solid conversation about one set topic.
it makes me happier than any one could ever know or understand.

sitting at a park on the swing holding one solid long conversation about religion made me so happy.
not because of the topic.
but because me and the person had such an intellectual conversation about one thing for a long time.
my mind wasn't jumping, nor where my thoughts racing.

but i kind of got off topic her.



but yes, i am okay, and i will be.
this isn't one of the times i'm just saying that to cover not being okay.
i actually am.
and i'm content.
i don't care how illogically people see this as.

if you were me you'd understand.
you'd see that as stupid as all of this is, i'm fully okay with everything.
something i don't say a lot.






i'm doing different things.
a lot of stupid things.
i'm feeling different.
about things in what are probably stupid ways.
but i'm okay with everything.

i don't think i've felt this okay and confident since i first started my second job.
at that point i wrote in my notebook about how what i was doing made me finally feel like a functioning part of society.
i don't feel as much as a 'functioning part of society', but i feel more like i am experiencing different things and different ways.
which is what i like.
and what i wan't to do.

i'm comfortable and confident in this life.
and i don't think i've ever felt like this.
i've never felt so sane, and normal.


it may not make any sense.
but i feel like this is who i am.
this is what i'm supposed to do.
i feel so independent and free.
like i'm making choices for me, and only me.
i like this.

actually, i love this.


it's more than what it may seem.
i feel like most will think i'm more insane than ever.
but it's not.

but i'm done explaining my self.
even though i can't explain any of this.

it doesn't make sense, at all.
but it feel right.




long story short.
i'm doing what feels right.
and ignoring logic.
and i think i like it this way.

what's wrong with me.

why am i willing to get hurt by you again instead of allowing myself to open my heart to someone else. 

fuck logic.

fuck everything.