My so called "life"

i don't like the drugs but the drugs like me.








except it's the other way around.









i've been becoming way too use to vomiting.
i've been becoming way too comfortable with vomiting.
it's way too casual.
it's way to easy to handle.



this isn't okay.

but some how i'm okay with it.





in the past i've vomited at least 10 times.
only twice at my house.
the rest down town, brookline, even the trolley.


this is too much stress on my body.
i'm not putting enough nutrients into my body to be able to handle all the toxins.
if i continue i know that my body will slowly shut done.
i feel like i'm becoming anorexic or bulimic.
i no longer even try to force my self to eat.
if i want to, i will, if i don't i won't.
i'm letting my body control it self instead of my mind.


one day i'll binge eat.
then there are those days where i only eat french fries and icing.
or today.
an energy drink for breakfast.
a coffee for lunch.
a full hostess cup cake and just the icing from another for dinner.
and a large slushie for dessert.
but lots of water in the mix.



i thought sunday was going to be day one.
but it was just a break down.
i thought today was going to be day one, tomorrow day two, then thursday be day one again.
but no.
tomorrow will be day one.
and i'll make it through at least a week.
i promise my self that.
a promise i plan on keeping.


i will not get out of control.
i will not allow something so stupid to control me.
i'm stronger than this.
i know it.
i just don't want to believe it.


i just don't like the depression.
that's really the only reason.
but knowing that makes it worse.
because then i'm allowing depression to drive and control me.
something that no matter how hard i tried not to let do.
something i thought i was over.

but all i found were new vices.
more expensive vices.

on the plus, i'm losing weight.
a lot.
probably faster than safe.
probably more than safe.
i'm not sure if it's my new vices.
or if it's my new job.
or both.

i wish i could say that i fear living the future that i always thought i would lead.
but i can't.
i have it so set in my mind that i'm not afraid of it.




i fell like this is borderline okay.
until i look at how comfortable i am with things that i shouldn't be.

it's not sane to say "i'm use to vomiting".
no matter if it's true or not.
hell, i shouldn't even be use constantly feeling nauseated.
even though that happened long ago.

i'll be fine.
and i know i will be.
i just need to say that.
and get it out in the open.


plus, i had the undying urge to vent/rant some more.
and blog, i feel like i haven't done this in a while.

especially on such one focused topic.
i like being focused.
i enjoy being able to hold a solid conversation about one set topic.
it makes me happier than any one could ever know or understand.

sitting at a park on the swing holding one solid long conversation about religion made me so happy.
not because of the topic.
but because me and the person had such an intellectual conversation about one thing for a long time.
my mind wasn't jumping, nor where my thoughts racing.

but i kind of got off topic her.



but yes, i am okay, and i will be.
this isn't one of the times i'm just saying that to cover not being okay.
i actually am.
and i'm content.
i don't care how illogically people see this as.

if you were me you'd understand.
you'd see that as stupid as all of this is, i'm fully okay with everything.
something i don't say a lot.






i'm doing different things.
a lot of stupid things.
i'm feeling different.
about things in what are probably stupid ways.
but i'm okay with everything.

i don't think i've felt this okay and confident since i first started my second job.
at that point i wrote in my notebook about how what i was doing made me finally feel like a functioning part of society.
i don't feel as much as a 'functioning part of society', but i feel more like i am experiencing different things and different ways.
which is what i like.
and what i wan't to do.

i'm comfortable and confident in this life.
and i don't think i've ever felt like this.
i've never felt so sane, and normal.


it may not make any sense.
but i feel like this is who i am.
this is what i'm supposed to do.
i feel so independent and free.
like i'm making choices for me, and only me.
i like this.

actually, i love this.


it's more than what it may seem.
i feel like most will think i'm more insane than ever.
but it's not.

but i'm done explaining my self.
even though i can't explain any of this.

it doesn't make sense, at all.
but it feel right.




long story short.
i'm doing what feels right.
and ignoring logic.
and i think i like it this way.