it makes me really happy when guys get nervous around me :)


dear mr. pink fedora guy,

thanks for making me smile like a fool the whole way home

haha :)

im laying in my bed

in my dorm
at edinboro
and i hasnt kicked in that im at college yet x_x

i think it will by monday, when classes start

and if not by the first weekend, i know it will...haha

like wtf?!?! i dont need 4 fucking days of shit edinboro, just let me move in and get settled my self, goddamn it

its bullshit

like i dont want to do these fucking constructed activities each fucking day
i dont care
uggg
this is so fucking gay

let me move the fuck in
i dont wanna do stupid shit
uggg

fuck it
idk y im so angry
but its fucking retarded

so much shit to do x_x

like hair cut
and hair dye, which i guess i gotta do tomorrow night
and puttin all my shit in the car
and then remembering my mirror hairdryer and other last min shit that i use every day

they way the move in is so fucking dumb
you can get here at 8, but be here no later than 1
you will be doing shit from like 3 till 6 or 8
i just wanna get my shit there
say bye
then organize all my shit x_x
so i guess i gotta do all that
ill just wait to organize all my makeup and hair shit ill later that night and get all my clothes and shit together
blah

my mom was bitching saying that i was bringing everything
and i was like, the coffee maker was my idea
they just told me to bring a floor lamp for the common room and dishes and silverware
i probably didnt need to buy all the cleaning shit
and a plunger
and a toilet cleaner
and rags and towles for the dishes
x_x
uggg

im looking at all my shit, and idk wat imma do wit it
in a way im kinda happy i have a roommate there allready
cuz then i wont be completely alone
but id rather just be able to throw my shit wherever and fix it as pleased

i kinda also wish she was a freshmen, so i could go to the orientation shit with her x_x
idk
i have shane
haha






any ways, i really want to get a job
i got so use to having my own money and spending it whenever
i feel so bad asking my parents for money now :/

but i do kinda want to wait till 2nd semester still
buttttttttttttttttttt, i like money to have to spend

i would also love to go off campus and work at a resturant
cuz i miss it
haha
but id be a server, of course :p
id just take a shuttle down town :p


also
i was thinking
since i do plan on getting a job

i was wondering
if
after i graduate
if i plan to move out like right awayish
or wait
and i also was wondering if it would be a better idea to get a car first
or an apt

the way i see it is, if i get a car, i wont have a place to park it if my parents still live here
and i would look for a place close enough to a place to work, haha
so then i wouldnt need a car!
muahaha
idk
im weird
i guess i dont need to think about this
but i really should be


i mean
i never wanted to goto college
and never planned to
and look how its turned out
i dont wanna go to the school im going to
and im a rushed mess
so maybe thinking and planning now will help me in four years


idk
im still contemplating trying ti transpher to nescom, becuase i still wanna go there
i also want to goto iar
but im wating
hopefully i can secure a good job
and go there :)<3
and then go back when new shit comes out for free

i still have my heart set on that school
buttttt, im stuck at edinboro, blah

best song to describe how i feel right now

been to hell by hollywood undead

most ironic part, i was singing hell on earth or w.e the name is by big d and the kids table earlier...haha

i just realized that i want to tell the world something

because i am over it

and yes, i still think about it

but it's a done thing now

i want to tell the world

but im afraid

afraid of what ill have to face

one the world finds out

so ill keep it to me

and to the few people that know it

and that will be that

maybe in a few years

ill be ready to face your thoughts

although, im not as stupid as i seem

and i know you think the same as me

and i know your hiding it

because i can see it

shining right through you

but i dare not to say

because i think it will be evident in me

because its one of those things

you can only tell it

if you experienced it

and i have

and i know you have

now i am done

good night

and farewell

once again

i really wanna type
and blog
but i dont know what to say
and i dont really have anything on my mind

even though i do
i just dont want to share it

sometimes its fun being selfish
but in return, no one actually cares if i say it or not
i mean
idk
i probably would
but thats cuz im a neb shit

and im a pretty see through







and for some reason im attracted to metal heads
haha
i dont mind it
cuz they are super cool, for the most part
and cuddly
idk why, but i think grungy, long hair, and beards is cuddly

like, rob zombie! xD
or shaun morgan, even tho he isnt really a metal head, he has the look xD\
i like hair
and grungyness
the end





haha xD

i have really weird ass dreams

today i found out that if you goto a musicians house, and realize that their door is unlocked, if you lock it then tell them on fb, and come back to meet them, they will write you a check so that you and each person you are with get $20.01

also

if you video tape extra terrestrial stuff, they will try to kill you,
unless you delete the video,
or have someone on their team that will take the bullets for you, because they are immune,
but then have him be a douche and then flick some of them onto your arm!

what happened in the second one was i was at my house
and then there were two groundhog things, then someone i lived with named
and he was talking to them
and then the ground under them started to glow and get buldgy
and then there were two people sitting there
so i grabbed my flip and went outside
and then they were yelling at me saying i was gonna put in on youtube
and i was like no, im just keeping it for my enjoyment
and then they called there nazi army force or w.e the hell they were called
and then i was like no ill delete it
and i was getting all nervous because i could see the alien space shit
and then i deleted it and showed them it was no longer on there
but they couldnt call the spaceshit off in time
so one of the people grabbed my arm and pushed my on the floor and stood in the door ways and took the bullet things
and then hit my arm with his arm
and someone them stuck to me
and i hate to pull them out
they were needles that were coated in some poison thing
and i was freaking out
and he was like its not going to kill you
just teach you a lesson
and they hurt


and then idk if it was another dream or the same one
but im not gonna explain it
because its too confusing and makes no sense

and the first one is pretty self explanatory
and im not going to say who it is
but i got a hug from him
and he cut his hair
and i was really sad
soooooo, think
of musicians, that have beautiful hair
he is a singer
and his band broke up
but him and some other guy in his old band started a new one
and no, its not ronnie
:)


THINK BITCH THINK!!!


i also love to sing people one of the songs
and his voice is sooooo pretty :)<3

check this shit out...

http://stevestolemyfifty.blogspot.com/

hmmm

hasnt kicked in






but nothing kicks in till the day of for me
and it doesnt effect me once its gone



sometimes it bothers me that im not a normal person
like some people are like "yay im leaving" or "im scared"
and im just like w.e

maybe its because im use to never being home
so its not effecting me yet


but i know when my parents leave it going to be like im a kindergartener, leaving my parents for the first time
and im ready for this adventure

im ready to be one my own
i mean, its not like ill be gone for a year, that might be kind of hard my first year
but i mean, i can still come home on long weekends









but to me, going to college is going to be sooooo much eaiser than starting highschool, because i will know people going to edinboro
one of which im goo friends with
this is something i didnt have in highschool

and now i have a defined style that i can impose on people
and im more confident





i still dont want to go to college
i never did
and im going to hate it the whole way through
but i there are times you are forced to follow societies rules
and thats what im doing
im living the life that i never wanted to live
and always thought was stupid






since i told someone thing, i guess i should just inform everyone
my wish is almost always
"i wish that i could find someone that will fully accept me for who i am, and change me into who i want to be with out me noticing"

thats all i really want in this world
and once i am the person i want to be
then i will be content and happy


or atleas i hope i will
despite the face i wont
because im never fully happy with anything all the time

i want to blog

but i really dont know what to say


despite the fact that i dont have my containers yet, im packing, imma put all my clothes and almost all my make-up in duffel bags, haha
then wen i get bins im going to put them in there, haha

i realized i published this to the wrong blog b4 x_x

i dwnloaded a blogger app
because i have the need to be connected to the eletronic world at any givven time

i have an app for everything i use on a weekly basis

and as long as it doesnt slow down my phone i dont care

haha, i have favebook, myyearbook, a dailybooth app that works, twitter, and i was conetmplateing getting a formspring and looking for a twocansandstring app

haha

anywho, i was thinking bout college
and i was like, should i just take all of my clothes
or leave a few outfits at home
that way i wouldnt have to lug a bag back and forth, i mean, idk
i could leave like a pair or pants that im not really gonna miss, but done hate
and like 3 or 4 shirts that i dont normally wear
i was also wondering if i shouls take shitty high pants to school
but i was like all the ones i like are trashed
haha

and im gonna leave jammies at home
which brings me to the fact i only have a few pair of jammie pants

haha
any who
im just gonna shut up now

and im going shopping for the rest of my shit on monday
and i got some stuff yesterday
and although i didnt get the laundry basket i had my hear set on, mines pretty nifity

anddddddddddd
im not getting a alarm clock that makes u get up
my dad told me to put it on the other side of the room then gave me that wtf bro look...haha

i have soooo much shit that needs done
and im afraid im not gonna get my books in time
i shouls get the rest of my poseters before i go
haha
it said they sld all b there by the 31st
and i hope the books i dont get are for my mass communication class and the one i dont need first

imma have to like hope shane has the same books and got his

or find a study budy early one
NOT a fuck buddy (maranda)
and NOT someone to have a tea party with (colleen)

anywho
im gonna stop my random rant...for now...lolz

duces

i opened my vault of sadness

fin

i always wanted a lemonaid stand!

i think this is a semi-appropriate time for a flashback and future type rant
in away i think it should wait until a little later
but hell

there's never a wrong time for anything

WARNING:
this is going to be a mess of my thoughts

--------------------------------------------------------------------
I always say that "everything happens for a reason
although it may not be obvious at the moment it happens"
this has gotten me through so much shit in my life, obviously preferably bad

for example:
i believe that the person that introduced me to something made my life amazing, even though they later turned out to destroy me mentally
if they did no introduce me to said thing, i would not have met you
one of the most amazing person in the world
and in return, you helped me get through shit that the person that made me meet you put me through

if that made sense
you were a no one, a complete stranger, became one of my closest friends in the world
one of the two people my "i love you" post was about

the other person, i once called my everything
and i do love him dearly, and i do love the people that caused me to meet you
it makes me kinda of, happy, to know that two people that mean so much to me weren't even my happening to meet them
another funny thing, the same person aided in my meeting of both of these people because he knew them before me
then again, there is just a really long winding chain with this friendship
and i could branch off on to a rant about everything that happened between me and this mutual person
and then a rant about how i met him
and how i met him

and in away, both of these people can be traced to one person
someone that i went from loving, to hating, to not minding
i wish i could be brave enough to just come out and use detail
and use names
and be specific
but i never will
and if you ask me who these people are, or anything of the like
i wont tell you

back to the original topic
at first i hated the fact we were basically torn apart against both of our wills
and now, just now, just today, a little bit ago
i realized why
for both of us actually
for me, its because i need less distractions in my life at this time
this is also why fate brought us together, in the sense that we actually knew and talk to each other, and that we actually clicked
on the other hand, i think that i know why it happened of your part
and im afraid to say the next thing will give away who you are
so i wont say it
but ill be really cliche and generic, because im good at it
but i think it is to better yourself as well
and im okay with this
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
i know that this is going to be long
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
some time i think it would be nice to live via technology
because the way the world is
that's all we really need
i can make friends and answer all of lives questions

i really wouldn't mind blogging being my only for of outside conversation
actually i would
but with texting and facebook and shit like that
i could happily live a sheltered little life

speaking of sheltered lives, only two, maybe three people have ever heard my plan
the two up there and someone else
the crazy third person though that i was including him in my plan and got mad that i insulted him
but i never had him in my plan
maybe someone kind of like him

i feel guilty posting this
ranting about these two people
on in which im pretty sure never read my blog
and the other in which im sure doesnt read it anymore
but once upon a time he did
maybe ill ask him to read it again
i just did
and hello if you are reading this
and sorry i keep texting you at 4:30am and 6:15am
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
i wrote this in my phone a while ago
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
i remember like it was yesterday...their house smelt like hamburger helper and dog piss...they didnt have a yard, so the room off to the right of their kitchen was their dogs bathroom...althought i
dont remember her name, we were best friends. after school id go over and see if she was outside. i actually think they told me their garage password. now that i think of it, im pretty sure there was
never a car in there. the stairs scared me shitless. all crappy and wooden with no backs...i always hated those. its weird how i can remember almost every aspect of their house. but cant remember their
faces or names.sometimes i just sit and think about how certain events shaped my life and me as a person..and what they added or took away from me...if i didnt meet this person how wld i b? if i didnt
do these things where wld i b? i also like to go back and this of how i was b4 them and how i found them. for example...if i never decided to listen to hero herion, would i have had this obsession with columbine...and how wld i b if i didnt have it. what if i never was creeping on someones myspace and heard cellar by etf...wld i still love ronnie? whould i even know who etf was? wat if i didnt go to city high? who wld i b...and one of the most frequently questions i ask myself...what if i would have went to carmolt instead of st annes?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
this one too, i wonder if this person read my blog more than once..
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
dont put me on a pedistole
because i hate it
sure, i love hearing all those amazingly sweet things you say to me and about me
and yes, you always make me smile
but i hate it because i am not what you say i am
nor will i ever be

dnt build me up
so someone else can knock me down
knock me dwn to where i belong
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
well..
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
my mom will be waking up in about 8, and i really didnt say what i wanted too
story of my life i guess..

btw, i love the name parchanko! :D<3

i just vented my heart some place

then erased it all









im not sure if i feel better or worse right now...

sooo, anyways...

i made an about me profile
about.me/hjb627

it seems easier than having one for every site,
i its better to just update one
instead of all of them
its like in school
wem we learned css
and how with css you could make a style sheet
and update it all at once
instead of having to goto each page
haha
i kno, i get nerd points for that


12 more days till i move out
and im kinda really excited :)
idk why

i also have the urge to start packing
but i need to buy alotta shit still

haha





also, despite eating so much i felt like i was gonna explode
im hungry
but im not

its weird

i feel empty. with out you.



















































which it weird. very. very. weird.

twitter

i hated it
and thought it was stupid
and now i have it open as much as facebook and myyearbook

i love it
and i got more addicted to it after i got my laptop back
i re-tweet and @reply waaaaay to many people
but like, i follow all celebrities
so i mainly re-tweet and @ them, ive only gotten a reply from one of them, and it was from like firAmry or something, and it not actually them, but still :)


it makes me happy when people do that to me
and the only people that like retweet my tweets are the idrive people and cali ac
haha
oh yea, johnny and tyler kirin @replyed me
hehe, im a fan girl
and i love this site! :DDDDDDDDDDDDDD

im not sure if im actually being honest
or if im trying to get out of being with u for so long

a little of both
so what does that make me?
an exaggerator of the truth?
or just a liar

so i had a dream where me and 2 other random people were riding around on a motorcycle, and we found these people and were trying to talk to them, but they were like, weird, and lived on a jungle gym, but they had a really smart system to avoid people, but we broke it..then these 2 chicks came around and put up notes saying they were gonna blow it up, and then i was trying to talk to them but they weren't listening, then some police dude got in my face and said they only had 15 mins to leave the area or they would be blown up too, and he wouldn't let me go back in the jungle gym to get them out. so i got really mad, and was luck fuck authority, because you'll all shit! then he pretended to be cool and just told me to get in the car where we would be a safe distance away. and some other random person i knew went with me, and convinced me to leave before i pissed off the officer guy. so i did, and as we were driving away i kept screaming telling the people to leave before they die, but they couldn't hear me. and then i started yelling at the police guy saying that they were hermits and just abandoned there by the world and they don't know that they have to leave because they aren't that smart. and then i just started crying and screaming, and banging on the window


it was really depressing :/

i wanna rant!

but idk about what
or who

or too who







i might start a count dwn till i move in
or i might not
hmmmmm, well see

i love you :)







the end :)






too bad you'll never read this :(





the end

i finally

found a song that describes how i feel about you
and how much you mean to me

so here i sit
waiting for you to text me back and say that you will listen to it
...for me

and then i can tell you that you do mean the world to me
and that no matter how many times i listen to that song
it makes me cry

and i love you so very much
and thank you :)