My so called "life"

wow
i really picked the best psychology of communication to start going back to
x_x

arg, it only puts me is a more, iffy mood

they was i described everything is that im caught in some mood that is right inbetween depression and anger

and that made me think
about something i read or heard
that went a little like this
"before you self diagnose yourself with depression, stop and think if maybe the problem is that you are surrounded by assholes"

and maybe thats just it

and i still dnt hate the person i sld
or the person that everyone thinks i sld hate
because he did nothing to piss me off
well he did, but i didnt find out till after i labled everything done with
therefore, im not angry
and
yea

and i still feel horriable that his life is truning out so shitty
and i can understand how NO ONE understands that this is my fault
they wont even try to understand why i think that way

if they can accept that ill be fine
my fucked up logic to this is:::
"everyone was fine and dandy, then i come into the picture and everything gets uproted, spun around, then thrown down, leaving people hurt, angry, and confused"

with out me everyone wld be fine and dandy
there wldnt b ppl edgey and emotional
there wouldnt be people angry and pissed off
there wouldnt be people yelling and fighting
there wouldnt be someone getting kicked out
because idk wat ne one says, thats my fault too, because all of this shit tiggered it


and all ive wanted the past few days was to sit by the lake and relax
but with all this goddamn rain...arg

yesterday was scary tho
i felt like i was going to throw up
then someone was tlking to me
and i only remember them saying something bout 4 oclock
and then everything got black
and started spinning
and i just left
and i ran into all the walls cuz i cldnt walk straight
it was scary
and it felt like it took me an hr to unlock my door
and i cldnt breath

now that i look back, it kinda sounds like a panic attack
it never happened to me
i mean, the black out and spinny kinda happens wen i have a migrain
but not that bad

and i didnt even have a headache then
i think its the lact of food and sleep

cuz i really havent been eating, and they stuff that i do it is shit
i need real meat
and real veggies and greens
and some fresh fruit


but all this shit couldnt have happened at a better time
because tomoorow my parents are taking me aways
to camp
at my moms friends
which, any other time i wouldnt wannt do
hell, i still dnt really want to
but i just need to get out of this shit hole
and this is the perfect time for them to come swoop me away from everything


then i can come back
and be all better
and hope everyone else is okay too :)




today is the first day that im going to all my classes this week
maybe these past 2 weeks
hell, this is the first day im going to 2 of my classes
i have 3
and im going to all 3


but my sleepy medice helped so much
i took it at 10 cuz i was done with the day
and im fully rested
and yea


despite the fact i woke up to the shit i tried to avoid, im okay atm :)
or at least imma keep telling myself that x_x