im falling so hard and so fast

for music
back to the old me
finally
i was really missing the old me
the one that was addicted to energy drinks
and was in love with music
and its back to alternative type stuff
gawd, that takes me way back
but i still love the not giving fuck bout what the teachers say that i developed
at this exact moment in time, my life couldn't be better
it's amazing
and im not sure whats making me make this transformation
but its like all the tiny fragments of my life are slowly being pieced back together
if only i had a swing set in my back yard
then life would me 100% perfect and id never leave

arg, im so done

with your bull shit
and trying to help you
because it's a waste of time
and i am actually enjoying your pain and misery more than i ever expected was possible
so yea
have fun in hell
^_^

dude, chill out

well you know the fuck what
im perfectly fine untill i come to this god awful place in the AM and have to deal with fucking retared ass holes
god, you don't know how fucking badly i want to get a metal bat and start fucking bashing in these peoples heads
grrrr
why have i stoped with wanting to 'shoot' people
because that would be too easy and not satisfying enough
and i couldnet actaully express and get out anger by pulling a trigger
but with using all my strength to destroy someone id be able to

now, for the record, im not really gonna end up doing this
but thus us the only way i can truley expres how i feel right now

ass holes

this is why i don;t read

im getting way to upset/aggravated over things that i guess i really shouldn't be, but i can't help but to stand up for what I believe is right, and if that's a crime, take me away.

i mean, im just getting super fucking pissed at people that i don't know.
and i know that if I was there, it would be different
i know that
but I WASN'T there
and there's no ways I COULD EVER be there
or in those people shoes
but god, if olny YOU knew how badly I wanted to be there
and to be ONE of the survivors
to know the instigators
to be one THEY LET GO

maybe it's that i always try to find the good in bad people, and the bad in good people
and i guess i could go on this little rampage for a little longer
but im going to go take a walk and try to cool down before i start punching shit...

uggg
that kinda helped
untill i started getting all pissed about how illogically this school thinks
sauifdhsajkfhdskjfhasdkjf
but yea, im better now
and ummm, yea
i guess thats it

by the way, this was not about columbine what so ever...

----->I MISS MARANDA!!!!!!!!<-------

ugg, its been a while

so im totally wasted on heavy metal monster
and punk music
^_^
life is good
=D
ahhhhh
its been a while since iv felt so good, refreshed, life-like
i really don't know how to explain it
but im not in a god awful slump any more
gawd
this is gonna be a good week, i hope
^_^

there was something else i was going to say
but it escaped my mind
.
..
...
....
.....
....
...
..
.
..
....
........
...
.....
.
...
.
....
.
......
..
.....
....
oh yea!
this next part it directed to one certain person
and i hope HE reads it
and i hope HE know its about HIM
[if you didn't get the hint, its a dude]
any who...
dude, don't like fucking ignore me for like a week or w/e and then totally try and be all buddy buddy again
its annoying
and makes me want to hurt you
so yea
either ignore me for good
or be talk to me like a normal person
i mean, you as bad as a fucking girl with you PMS-y mood swings like that
its really pissing me off
and by the way
if you can't figure out if this is a bout you or not...
way to say "your life sucks" about my blog thing
and not to notice that a lotish of them were actually about you
dumbass
and im sure once you figure out this is about you that you wont wanna 'be my friend' any more
and frankly, im perfectly with that
cuz you such a friggin girl
or you will be an asshole and try and be a buddy buddy and shit just to piss me off
which my eventually get on my nerves
but hey, i really don't give a fuck any more
by the way, if i tell you to read this
and you ask who it's about, or even don't im gonna tell you its about you
and then there will be this awkward silence thing
but thats okay, awkward silences are kinda amusing
so yea, w/e

PEACE

ahaha, stupid teachers

"oh, lets send holli into a room all by herself because yesterday she didnt do any work"
1) i didnt do any work becides looking up information at school
2) my side battery was dead and my bottom one only had 4 dots left
3) okay, put me in a room with no teachers looking over my shoulder to see what im doing
4) also, no teachers means i dont have to do worl
5) i finished my website like 3 days ago and turned in my essay today, so i dont see a
point
6) this just helps you see how illogical the admin at this school it

so yea, i dont have any work that needs done
so im doing this
then going to play games
ahaha
i love how fucking restarted my teachers are

leave me at the side of the road...

ugggg
i hate this school [and so does jake "eye h8 dis skol"]
i hate some people here
well alot of them
in a way
only the annoying ones that steal people shit
and the admin
are all fucking retarded
and gay
they are fucking gaytarted
muahahahaha
cuz they all hate those words
but no
seriously
they are illogical as fucking hell and just over all overly stupid at times
and if you know me, you know that o have extremely stupid people
uggg
and these stupid laptops!!!
uggg
please get me out of here


lhgpjew3[ougj3[e[o2pie3[o9uef[p=ego[ifc[ojodv (haha if you decode this, you are a freak!!)
^^^^
that was jake
by the way, the answer is holli is the bestest and rocks my world!
^_^
but jake said that its not the answer by the way fuck yoooooou SHITTY high
a vacuum sucks

ugg fuck shit piss

i hate life
i hate this school
and i hate the ppl here right now
ass holes
i hope they die

something is seriously wrong with me

musically wise that is
i totally just skipped over boom boom boom boom
ugg
im still out of it from walking in that church

like, its not even funny
the second i stepped over the threshold
i got dizzy
then it got hard to breath,
something that commonly happens around spirits
and then i started hurting
like my wrists, my whole right arm, right knee and lower leg, the back of my neck, and i got a throbbing headache, and got weak in the knees
gawd, i have no idea whats wrong to me
then wen i left things slowly started hurting
except my head
it also took a good 5 mins before i could freely breath
and just remembering makes me feel like some one on behind me
with their hands around my neck
chocking me
and then when i got home my stomach was killing me

but suffocation is the only way i DONT want to die
i would rather be burned alive,
and i heard that is the most painful way to die
i wonder if this means im claustrophobic, but i dont think so
because i dnt mind small spaces
as long as im alone
it makes me feel safe
hence why when im all emotionally unstable and breaking dwn in tears at night i curl up in a ball and squeeze myself into a corner
i feel safe then
like no one can hurt me
like no one can touch me unexpectingly
but 'things' still can

so okay, i guess i am kind of afraid of 'spirts'
like i dont believe in them
and as soon as i was typing believe
the chocking feeling happened again
hence my point

i think a reason i dont want to die that way
and always feel that wasy is because of...
never mind
i've already said way more than i expected to...

today..

was the seniors last full day of school
so its should just be the end
cuz im like never gonna see them
like i do every day
gawd
there is gonna be such and empty spot in my life
and unfulfillable one

no more morning hugs
no more extremely epic days after school
no fun bus rides
no random sugar packets being thrown
no yelling their names across the floor when i see them
none of the fun stuff
=\

i just wish i would have hung out with them more than others
and what really sucks is that im not going to one of their graduation parties
because i rather go to a concert
but there are other reasons for that
mainly the same reason i don't wanna go to their graduation
i don't want to cry in front of people
i hate doing that [stupid girly emotions!]
is pisses me off soo fucking much
and i don't know why

but yea...
im gonna miss them

for some odd reason

i feel like breaking down in tears
and im not quite sure why
because i can't think of anything that would really make me want too
well, i can
but i can;t understand why i randomly want to
so.....yea

ugg, my blog is lacking color
..again
so ill get on that
but right now i feel like killing someone

and not just like some random person
nor mass murder
just on specific person
and not for the reasons expected
well, maybe a little...
hmmm, but other reasons
ass hole

and i feel like im about to do this

gawd! i gotta piss sooooo badly!
haha

we are listening to Micheal Jackson in class
lmfao
i love that man
i want him to be the father of my kids!
haha
jk
and ther person next to me is playing packman
and it sound is like WAY up
haha

but yea,
im still epicially failing in almost all my classes
so what is my solution...
do that work that i neglect in the classes that im failing in the classes that i am doing good in
but wait!
doesnt that mean i wont b able to do the work in those classes?
haha, of course!
but why would i ever think of suck an insane idea?
uggg, fuck
im going to graduate in 1012 arnt i?

i feel like this is happening to me
like my whole world is crashing down on me
gawd how much i hate this school
actually
i dont think its that i hate this school
i think its that i hate how i can't do work in this school
because every time i try to
i get distracted
ecxept in programing
because i have music
so that makes everything fade away

but i cant wait till sunday!
god, my parents are finially letting me go to a concert
anberlin and mercury!
you rock mr. sivits!!!


well
im out of ideas
of things i want to write about
but yea,
i guess i better do my work

rapscialion

is Marandas favorite word =D
w00t!
i thought you would like to know that!
yay!
now lets party like its 1965
=D

another two hours wasted

well, not completely
i wrote like a paragraph or two
and yea, thats it

and a had a conversation about how i dnt date white guys
and i won!
cuz i do!
just super super short
lmao
like 3 days
haha

i fail at being emo!
haha

i have issues
goodbye world
......................
................
...........
.......
....
..
.

one down, one to go

ugggg, fuck this school
how the hell is doing all this shit on Malaria gonna help me in life???
o the fuck wells,
i didnt my cult lit essay, thats more than enough
so w/e
ill fail research
actually, no
that would mean i need to take in next year
as an elective
uggg fuck
i hate this school
and am probably gonna flip on some one
uggg fuck shit pisss cunt whore dick

fuck my grade, i need sleep more!!

i dont care
ill be able to finish my cult lit essay on the T
and ill just ask for an extension on my career one
and tell them ill e-mail it to them over the weekend
and explain how hard it is for me to work with people
and noise
cuz savido kind of already knows
and if they say they are going to have to accept it late
im gonna tell them that they are just getting a finial copy
and to just give me a 0 for the rough draft
then ill pass out in class
and blame these essays and my inability to work around people

by the way SO NOT MY FAULT!
you'd think once you tell a teacher that a few times
they would get the point
but nope, why would SHITTY HIGH teachers pay attention to you

fuck shit, i rather sleep and just fail!!!!
dsgjksdhflsdkhjf;ksdj g;lkjefagk

i felt like being poetic, but that failed! so i was just being random!

the world spins
yet i stay still

im black and white
in a beautiful sunset

lost to the point
that words cant explain
and found in a place
where the nobodies remain

this,
i call my home
where for once
i am never alone
because i have you
and you have me
and we may be nobody
but we are nobodies together

meeting you was fate,
becoming your friend was a choice,
but falling in love with you,
was out of my control

"god hates us all"
'yeah! he fucking hates me"
ahaha
thats probably true too
i love how much my music makes me notice things
what would i ever do with out it?

gawd, im going to miss the seniors
sooooooooooooooooooo x infinity
D=
some one of my bestest friends are leaving!
for, like, EVER!!!!!1
='(

by the way,
i put the pictures here for two reasons::
1. i wanted to separate my thoughts
2. my blog is lacking color

a note to someone that isnt gonna end up reading this...

don't tell me you hate life
or you house
or family
or school
and then not tell me why when i ask you

don't say nothings wrong
when you status messages make it clear that something is

don't ignore me for over a week
then randomly be try to be all buddy buddy

don't say one thing
then go and do something that makes that seem like a big ass lie

don't say never mind after you say something
and i don't under stand it

i just want to help you
and i can't understand why you don't understand that

i wanna always be there for you
no matter what is wrong
or how bad things are

i don't want to see you like this
because it hurts me

i wish you could just tell me whats wrong
and trust me like you use to
i mean,
we use to be so close,
and now it seems like we are complete strangers


and as i look back at this,
i realize that this could apply to a few people
even though i only had one person in mind while writing it...

so im should be writing this essay for research...

but i hate being forced to write about something
i can effin stand it
arg!!!!
like, i didnt mind the one we had to do in career class
cuz it was about something interesting
bias in music
gawd, i cant wait till next year
senior project baby
^_^
a big long essay and presentation about ANYTHING I WANT
gawd,
too many choices
i was really thinking about writing it all on Columbine
because im really interested in that
and i read so much about it that i could probably write a three page essay with out looking anything up
but they will probably say that i cant do JUST Columbine
so it would have to be a few
so i guess Columbine, VT, the youngest school shooting [the one with the kindergartners or first graders], that one in Germany i read about, and ummm, i know of a few more, but yea
OMG!!! i so excited about that

speaking if school shootings
i need to see someone
or get the fuck out of this school
for the safety of not only myself,
but of everyone in this building
i am going to fucking loose it one day
i know it...

ugg fuck

i havent updated in what feels like FOREVER!
but yea, i really havent felt all like writing, well, i have
but just not about anything worth while
so yea...

but yea, im just gonna quit at something and realize that its not gonna happen again
cuz in order to keep whats left of my goddamn sanity i need to get over it
but i guess there is no real point to saying thins
cuz only about 4 people at the most will actually know what in gods name im talking about

which reminds me,
i have noticed that i cannot trust girls like i trust guys
cuz there have been things to some of my guy friends that iv only been friends with for almost 2 year, not even a year, and only a few months, that i couldn't trust a girl that i have known litterally since i was born, of have been freinds with since like 6th grade
it's weird
and really pisses me off

which reminds me of how much i hate this goddamn school
and some people in it
and ESPECAILLY the admin
gawd, how i hate them ever so much
like today my teacher come up to me all like "im really sick of this attitude that you have had for the past two weeks"
and i was just like ummmm, okay..? and that 'why the fuck are you telling me this cuz i couldnt care less' tone
and hes just like "students usually talk to me when something is wrong"
i just wanted to bust out laughing saying "okay, why the fuck would i tell you shit about my life? i mean, you already know more than i would like you too, and i don't even know how the fuck you find half this shit out"
but idk
i just hate this school
and the only thinkgs keeping there is my friends, my laptop, and bus passes
^_^

ugggg fuck
i wanna sleep
but i just woke up from like an almost 4 hr nap
gawd, my sleeping schedual is so fucked up cuz of this gay ass school
but yea, since i dont do my work in class ne more, i guess thats what i should be doing...
peace

i feel so goddam emotionless

and it sucks
uggg, just kill me now
i hate being emotionless
i rather be extremely depressed or pissed off or something like that insead of this hell im in
gawd
and my one friend his being all suicidal sounding
he reminds me of me

i just want to give him a big hug till he feels better
and i wanna make it all go away
and i feel like i can actually be there for him
because hes explaining how he feels and i felt like that before
so i feel that i can really help him


ans my knuckles and eyes hurt from last night
=\
o wells..
i just hope his happy with her
cuz that all i ever actually wanted
was for him to be happy

when i first heard the new marilyn manson cd i didnt really like it
but now
i cant stop listening to it
^_^
everyone will come to my funerell to make sure that i stay dead

it aggravates me that...

i can't grasp the concept that there are in fact other humans inhabiting this place called earth
for some odd reason i cannot force my self to grasp this concept
it's weird
and extremely hard to explain.
but it's like
i think that they are robots, or just fake or something
its weird
and bothers me
i wish i could understand that these people feel things
that they love, hurt, hate, and appreciate things just like me
that im not the only person here
and that other people make mistakes

and im done writing this
cuz its really sounding like shit
and people keep distracting me
and i keep losing my train of thought
so yea...

and yesterday i really wanted to be a half stoned guitar player at a concert playing with his rock band.
yes his
i dont know why
i just think that it would be really fun

rules for bands:::

• if you are a small/no name band and become famous don't change, that's what made you good
• if you lose members/gain members, or even if you just change you image, DON'T redo your songs, because they will suck
• NEVER take an offer from Disney channel
• don't do the cover [especially of a rap song or from a musical] if you can't pull it off or add you own spin so it no longer sounds like that song what so ever
• If you are a alternative band, your band T's should look like death metal and scremo band T's, that dose not make you cool, it just makes you look like retards, not to mention how people look when they wear them
• don't totally change your image, you will loose true fans and gain fake ones, but i guess it is all about the money
• ONLY self title your first album, if even that!
• Try and do something new, that's never been done, weather it be your cd covers or where you do a concert
  
• do a charity concert once in a while, it will make you look good
• don't make every song be a love song, they get really old after a while
• don't makes every song be a 'omg, my life sucks' song, it will make you seem whiny
  
• have a variety of types of songs having to do with things love, heartbreak, good life, bad life, society, death and then maybe you could have a cd that actually tells the story of some ones life
• don't always stick to the same sound, branch out, try something different, go acoustic!
• listen to your fans, don't always do things for the money, because if you make you fans happy you'll stay successful longer
  
• try to get people from other bands to feature in a few songs, or get your band and another band to do a song together, it will be interesting
• make you music video's actually relate to your song, or at least make it interesting
• That's all for now
  

gawd, im so emotionally stressed

and i't driving me fucking crazy!
and i really can't stand it
goddamn it
blah
loss of sleep
more argumentative
easily pissed/frustrated
and of course
my extremely negative attitude
mixed with the random thoughts i think
uggg
i hate life
not even mine
just life in general
i really don't see a point to it
well i guess i do, but it's really illogical
that reminds me of
god, the fucking admin thinks in the most illogical ways ever
i mean i didn't even think it was possiable to be so fucking retarded
speaking of the admin..
they are really been pissing me off more than normal
except inserra
he is now my favorite teacher
along with luft
uggg,
speaking of school
my grades are epicly slipping, but i really don't care
sooo, i guess that was pointless to say
but i did anyways

i really am in the mood for a slushy or slurpee
i really don't know why
but i like them
^_^
it will make me remember winter
i like the winter
and the fall
and i hate the summer
and especially the spring
ugg, hate it hate it hate it
i hate the colors and the smells
i hate how alive everything it
and how happy everyone is
it makes me sick
especially the heat, that physically make me sick
im gonna save my money and buy some fans
and stick them all around my room on high all the time
so for once it can be a little refuge
in stead of suck a hell hole

god, no one is gonna read this
so i should just quit while im ahead i guess

wait! one more thing
in case a certain person reads this...
even though i highly doubt he will.

im always here for you
and im sorry that im not right now
i don't want to ask whats wrong because i know i won't be able to help
and some how make it about me
i hate that i do that, and i know that i do a lot
and i know that you have gone through total hell
especially during the last month
and im sorry
but i just wish i could help you with what ever is wrong
because i like helping you, and it makes me smile
and please don't change, because i like you just how you are now

ahaha new goal bishes!

i ended getting kicked out of research with in the first half hour of class
ahaha
stupid ass class

uggg
it was funn tho
^_^

i wanna try and get kicked out with in 5 mins
^_^
that would be fucking hilarious!

lala

so my old school's summer fair is this week
and i want to get a crap load of my friends to go to it
so we can be obnoxious
and get dirty looks from all the people i hate
and over all, have funn
^_^

so zach said he'd come on friday!
and im like w00tness
and hes saying all this funn stuff
^_^
so i need to get more people to come
so we can have a big random group of people
to be loud
and hyper active
and to scream profnaity
muhahahaha
i just wanna go a day that my parents arent going
because then it would be no funn
so im going to try to convince them either not to go
of to go some other random day
muahahaha

yay!

so it's 3:27 in the morning

as i type this
my sleeping patterns are so fucked
i even got up at now 1:30 pm for once!
i got up as like 10 something or odd
and i didn't sleep at all previously today
ugg fuck!

no wonder why im in the physical state that i am
now that i think of it, this probably effects the mental aspects of my being as well
but who knows
well, doctors i guess
but who the fuck cares?

oh, wellz
sleep eventually
the off to live another fucked day
^_^
ugggg, i hate being positive
x_x

there is a bug in my room

and i think that its a wasp because of the way it's wings look
but it keeps flying around and hitting the ceiling
it's making me laugh
^_^
haha
laughing at a bug makes me feel like a little kid again
and makes me want one of those stupid little tweety bird Popsicles that only the ice cream truck has
one day i'm going to chase after the ice cream truck like they do on TV
and when it stops i'll try to start a conversation with the driver
hehe

by the way, i made a twitter
http://twitter.com/ImxAxMuffin
it's really stupid and i still don't really get the point of it
but i figured if i made one i wouldn't update my facebook and aim status as much

any ways, i guess i have procrastinated cleaning my room long enough
i even did home work to avoid doing it, uggg

so the one time i go to twitter..

its down for maintenance
that makes me not want to go back
but the icon thing was cute
^_^
so i think i might...
if i remember


by the way i love sweet potato chips!
and there is nothing you can do about it
^_^

so, i just thought

that maybe it would be smart to post things here like my live journal
and to take away the link for that

but why?
because i know that a lot of my friends have a blog spot thing
and they reason i originally made my live journal was to basically vent
with out hearing any ones shit
and i would only show it to a select few
a.k.a. about two people
so no im contemplating on what to do...
let people that i hide from see my true self,
or go on hiding it...

hmmmmmm...

yay! first post

blah!
screw live journal
xD
im gonna use this instead
but in case any one wants to read my live journal...
http://hjb627.livejournal.com