first off, id like to start off by saying that i think its cute when people that i went to high school with are in relationships with other people from high school at least a year after graduating.
especially if they get together, or back together, some time after graduation.

secondly, i have weird dreams. whats weirder is that ive been remembering them alot.

and for some reason last night i randomly feel into this 3 hour slump of depression. then i slept it off.

and lastly, today was awesome as shit.
it consisted of me and carl being gay together ans syncing our pics and fb statuses while jasen shopped. lolz
still not the same like going to the mall wif maranda, no where close....well maybe a little, but just a spencers....but doesnt every one looke at the books and sex toys and make fun of them?

anddddd now we are all being anti social, blasting music, and trying to scare the people around us.
and i think the lady next to me and behind carl is praying out loud right now....win

btw, playing the penis game at the mall wont get you kicked out....weird...especially since it was ross park mall...maybe we wernt loud enough
better luck next time

fuck.
i looked at my cover page and started fangirling.
being a fan girl is hard :/

like seriously,
you'll never understand what i go through.
being really self conscious doesn't help either.
because when i pass a guy in a band i like i can't be like "oh hai, can i take a picture with you?" or "your really awesome"

no,
i just get a love struck feeling and look in my eyes
and awkwardly stare at them
as i die of overwhelming happiness on the inside.



but on the plus side,
im not a crazy fan girl that does something stupid
like
crowd surf to get past the barriers and security gaurds
and then jump on stage.

i'm glad i have self control




this was long and pointless.
but i killed some time so i would be able to get some sleep and stop fangirling.
haha.

1. i just realized that my post below this one is fucked up for some reason

and it pisses me off, because it just like ruined the whole thing and now im mad



but anyways
i made a sammich
it was the most amazing thing in the world

it consisted of
-hummus
-bbq sauce
-normal mustard
-dijion mustard
-mayo
-turkey
-salmi
-american chesse
-shredded cheddar cheese
-cheese diritos
-fresh tomatoe
-lettuces
and i think thats it
it was yummmmmrificial :D
hehe

and i really wish that there bacon on it
and that perpochnii [or w/e the other name for banana peppers is] and feta spread on it :3


but yea
im a good woman
and really fucking proud of this sammich
for really no reason
like
im really fucking excited...about...a fucking sandwich.
its kinda actually depressing
haha
but yea

i need a man to make awesome sammiches for
except i really dont
haha




any who
i was at a park today
with people
actually, 4 guys
and the only reason i pointed that out was because they were all standing at one point
and i was the only one sitting
and i was like "i feel really uncomfortable because im the only one sitting" and then one of them was like "how does it feel to be the only girl?"
my response "how is it supposed to feel?"
any who
back to the main point of this story
as all of us are trolling around a park at 11pm pretty much all wearing black
what happens
the cops rule up
what else is new
not one car
but two cars
with at least 3 officers
the one cop got out of the car and told us to "run before the other cop gets there or we would all get a citation"
yes
a cop told us to run from another cop
and since we were all weary about running away from cops
not all of us ran, or at least ran fast
and the cop yelles "your not running fast enough"

and none of us fully believed that more cops would be there
so we creeped around [way out of the way] and evidently someone saw more than three cars.

so yea
not only have i become really comfortable with randomly vomiting places
but
ive also became use to be confronted by cops
and can now easily recognize a cop car.

this is now my life.
cops and vomiting.




oh yea, and sammiches i guess.

fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.

instead of telling you whats happening, ill do something different


 

him: "u me plus bed 'stupid boys name' <3 girls="girls" name="name" s="s" some="some">
me: "?"
him: "lol 'stupid boys name' <3 girls="girls" name="name" p="p" s="s" some="some">me: "ugggg x_x boys are weird"
him: "ik im alil fucked up ''stupid boys name' <3 girls="girls" name="name" p="p" s="s" some="some">me: "oh...r u okay tho? i saw your statuses last night and got kinda concerned...but you never replied"
him: "i still a lil pissed 'stupid boys name' <3 girls="girls" name="name" p="p" s="s" some="some">me: "about?"
----------------hour passes--------------------
me: "btw, texting someone 'you me plus bed' while your signature is'stupid boys name' <3 a="a" br="br" girls="girls" good="good" idea...js="idea...js" isnt="isnt" name="name" probably="probably" s="s" some="some">
him: "she put it there ''stupid boys name' <3 girls="girls" name="name" p="p" s="s" some="some">me: "like i said...just saying..."
him: "ok...night 'stupid boys name' <3 girls="girls" name="name" p="p" s="s" some="some">me: "w.e"
him: "yup w.e ''stupid boys name' <3 girls="girls" name="name" p="p" s="s" some="some">---------nerd rage phone across the room, make tea and sit out side for a bit----------------
-------------gets phone and turns it back on, then gets tired of biting my tongue-------------
me: "id like to inform you that youve been really good at irritating me recently...js"
him: "well i was in the hospital and i'm about to put myself there again 'stupid boys name' <3 girls="girls" name="name" p="p" s="s" some="some">me: "you know what, fuck it...idc...i was concerned when you told me that, and wanted to make sure your okay...i saw statuses about you cutting yourself and wanting to drink yourself to death, i texted you trying to talk to you, i tried to help...but if your not gonna reach out to a hand waving in your face why should i care?"
him: "don't idc 'stupid boys name' <3 girls="girls" name="name" p="p" s="s" some="some">him: "so y should u.'stupid boys name' <3 girls="girls" name="name" p="p" s="s" some="some">me: "what do you mean by "dont idc?" i can only care so much, then i can only push myself to care after that point...but you managed to push me over the limit"



and thats where the convo ended
im debating if i should send another text or not
one thats semi apologizing, but not fully
one that shows im not being the bad guy
and its his fault for me acting this way towards him


ugggg



idk, i feel better now tho

blah, sitting at eyeball park
bored as tits

my phones dying
i guess its about time i steal electricity from crazy mocha...or i can wait till i go back to work
so instead of buying something i dont want to charge my phone i can get paid to do it...lolz

logic...i haz it ^_^

and i noticed that pretty much all i do on my breaks is randomly quote lyrics...normally outta no where

i mean, i guess sometimes they have meaning
idk

i think its starting to rain
waaaaaaaah D:

i got stuff on my mind...but nothing thats really bothering me
incase you cared
or that mattered

idk

idk what to say
sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo titties

end of discussion. titties.

titties.

i don't like the drugs but the drugs like me.








except it's the other way around.









i've been becoming way too use to vomiting.
i've been becoming way too comfortable with vomiting.
it's way too casual.
it's way to easy to handle.



this isn't okay.

but some how i'm okay with it.





in the past i've vomited at least 10 times.
only twice at my house.
the rest down town, brookline, even the trolley.


this is too much stress on my body.
i'm not putting enough nutrients into my body to be able to handle all the toxins.
if i continue i know that my body will slowly shut done.
i feel like i'm becoming anorexic or bulimic.
i no longer even try to force my self to eat.
if i want to, i will, if i don't i won't.
i'm letting my body control it self instead of my mind.


one day i'll binge eat.
then there are those days where i only eat french fries and icing.
or today.
an energy drink for breakfast.
a coffee for lunch.
a full hostess cup cake and just the icing from another for dinner.
and a large slushie for dessert.
but lots of water in the mix.



i thought sunday was going to be day one.
but it was just a break down.
i thought today was going to be day one, tomorrow day two, then thursday be day one again.
but no.
tomorrow will be day one.
and i'll make it through at least a week.
i promise my self that.
a promise i plan on keeping.


i will not get out of control.
i will not allow something so stupid to control me.
i'm stronger than this.
i know it.
i just don't want to believe it.


i just don't like the depression.
that's really the only reason.
but knowing that makes it worse.
because then i'm allowing depression to drive and control me.
something that no matter how hard i tried not to let do.
something i thought i was over.

but all i found were new vices.
more expensive vices.

on the plus, i'm losing weight.
a lot.
probably faster than safe.
probably more than safe.
i'm not sure if it's my new vices.
or if it's my new job.
or both.

i wish i could say that i fear living the future that i always thought i would lead.
but i can't.
i have it so set in my mind that i'm not afraid of it.




i fell like this is borderline okay.
until i look at how comfortable i am with things that i shouldn't be.

it's not sane to say "i'm use to vomiting".
no matter if it's true or not.
hell, i shouldn't even be use constantly feeling nauseated.
even though that happened long ago.

i'll be fine.
and i know i will be.
i just need to say that.
and get it out in the open.


plus, i had the undying urge to vent/rant some more.
and blog, i feel like i haven't done this in a while.

especially on such one focused topic.
i like being focused.
i enjoy being able to hold a solid conversation about one set topic.
it makes me happier than any one could ever know or understand.

sitting at a park on the swing holding one solid long conversation about religion made me so happy.
not because of the topic.
but because me and the person had such an intellectual conversation about one thing for a long time.
my mind wasn't jumping, nor where my thoughts racing.

but i kind of got off topic her.



but yes, i am okay, and i will be.
this isn't one of the times i'm just saying that to cover not being okay.
i actually am.
and i'm content.
i don't care how illogically people see this as.

if you were me you'd understand.
you'd see that as stupid as all of this is, i'm fully okay with everything.
something i don't say a lot.






i'm doing different things.
a lot of stupid things.
i'm feeling different.
about things in what are probably stupid ways.
but i'm okay with everything.

i don't think i've felt this okay and confident since i first started my second job.
at that point i wrote in my notebook about how what i was doing made me finally feel like a functioning part of society.
i don't feel as much as a 'functioning part of society', but i feel more like i am experiencing different things and different ways.
which is what i like.
and what i wan't to do.

i'm comfortable and confident in this life.
and i don't think i've ever felt like this.
i've never felt so sane, and normal.


it may not make any sense.
but i feel like this is who i am.
this is what i'm supposed to do.
i feel so independent and free.
like i'm making choices for me, and only me.
i like this.

actually, i love this.


it's more than what it may seem.
i feel like most will think i'm more insane than ever.
but it's not.

but i'm done explaining my self.
even though i can't explain any of this.

it doesn't make sense, at all.
but it feel right.




long story short.
i'm doing what feels right.
and ignoring logic.
and i think i like it this way.

what's wrong with me.

why am i willing to get hurt by you again instead of allowing myself to open my heart to someone else. 

fuck logic.

fuck everything.

i want to vent and rant about so much. but i can't.

today i got told that im "a beautiful amazing girl that has just got beaten down by everyone else and no longer has the self esteem to see the truth"

not sure how i feel about that
not sure how i feel about anything

i got a lot on my mind to say the least
and i don't fail like boring you with it

so god night i guess..

"It's unbelievable how many problems go away by simply ignoring them and going to sleep."

it's the depressing reality of my life.
on that note, good night.

this seems neglected




i'm sorry







mmkay, now i'm all better :)

if edinboro has taught me anything its that if you like someone and they like you that you should tell the guy thats crushing on you and not try to hide it because hes not stupid and you arnt good at hideing it...especially if they are room mates or constaly across the hall from one another...also, there is gonna b some type of stupid ass drama and u and they guy r like are never gonna talk again, and hes gonna get a gf and b happy and unfriend u from facebook and then ur gonna bond with the guy that likes u that u just like as a friend and everyone will b happy except for the fact youll b pissed that u realized that you let the same situation happen multiple times and ur bum hurt over some stupid guy that actually made u become closer with a good friend...and then ull get a bf and stop bitching about te past because uve finially built a bridge and got the fuck over it once u realized ur a girl who thinks with their emotions and blah blah blah...how come im just realizing this now? oh yea, and dont flip peoples cars, no matter how badly you want to before u realize whos car it its...because if u somehow did your games would b up in edinbor still and youd b fucked...and im going to shut up now

and it sucks that this is the first blog ive posted in a while...but i needed to get that out...lolz

i feel better now :)

don't know what to think
don't know what to say
don't know what to do
don't know what to care about any more




good night

too...many...applications x_____x


3 more that i have to go to the place to get it
then i think i should be done

if at least one of these places dont call me back i think im gonna kill myself x___x

poor poor blog
oh, how i have neglected thee so

im not sure if its because im busy
or because nothing has been worth ranting about
or if nothing has been fun enough
or all of the above

hmmmm...

i kinda miss ranting for hours on this
but i guess the people that read this might enjoy no longer feeling obligated to read the books i like to post

ha. that was funny
not really, but yea

i wanna talk about everything
but theres really nothing to say

i mean, there is
but its not worth it

and it seems that with every passing moment i miss the past more and more...

as cliche as that is

so this is growing up?

"alkaline trio! :D<3"
"what?"
"ur tattoo, it has the alkaline trio logo on it..."
"whats an alkaline trio?"
"a band..."
"oh, whats their logo?"
"the skull in a heart thats on ur tat"
"no, thats just a cool pic i saw online"
"well that pic you saw is their EXACT logo"
"no its not"
"*insert links to alkaline trio logos and shyttttt* ummm...yea...it is...."

bitches need to check them selves before they make stupid choices and copy shit on the internet and make fools outta themselves cuz now you look stupid and unoriginial...dumbass....

i just need to bitch and be angry and cry


im glad that your there to pretend to listen
and pretend to know what im saying
and tell me its okay
when its not

and im glad your there to yell at me to calm down
and give me medicine
then yell at me that im gonna be okay
then give me medicine

because thats what i need
thanks
im so glad i have you


i know itll be fine
and i know ill be fine
and i know im probably over reacting
but i dont care
a bitch
and i cry
and i blog
and i blast music
and i isolate my self from the rest of the world
thats how i cope
and thats how i work

if anything all of this made it worse
thanks

so over this day





so over everything
x_x

like stop trying to get me to ask my friends for fucking rides cuz YOU want to do something

your fucking 20
get a license
and stop blowing your fucking money on stupid fucking shit and get a car

or ask your friends

you make me feel like a fucking ass hole because you like guilt me into it
ugggggg


and im glad i dont have my license or a car
cuz i dont wanna drive your ass around and waste gas on stupid fucking shit x___x

blah

i feel obligated to post a blog about you
so here it is




and at the same time im resisting to go on a bitch rant about someone ive talked about way to much in this blog
even tho it made sense at the time
it always does
i just wanna know why you randomly deleted me from fb
grrrrr
i got off topic x_x





any who, back to the point at hand
i feel better because i mentioned you in a blog
thats all

i wanna vent
so the world [or who ever reads this] can see

but i already vented enough



same shit
different day
















ugggg




so many pluses and fucking negatives
but i guess they all balance out
kinda
i guess
maybe
idk




night

came to bed at 1am

now its time to play the how long can i roll around in bed till i pass out game...lolz

came to bed at 1am

now its time to play the how long can i roll around in bed till i pass out game...lolz

i feel like i need to say this to you










so i'm sorry
that seems insincere
but it wasnt meant to be

it kills me

when u ignore me

i feel like you keep pushing me away
and the more you do
the less i care

idk if this is just you being you
or if ur busy
or if what

but it kills me
and it takes away from everything amazing about you a little more each day

maybe im being me
or a girl
or paranoid

but no matter what it is i dont want to play these games
and i dont want to be apart of your shanagines

fin

that moment when you realize who actually reads your blog
and then you are stuck living in that jail inside of yourself
just so they don't know what your really feeling, thinking, wanting.





but sometimes you need to actually think.
is it worth it to protect them?
or do you need to let it out more?


but knowing me, ill keep it bottled up until one day its just to much
then ill blow



and you'll never know anything about this



so i guess i should go to sleep
or at least attempt to while thoughts pollute my mind.



goodnight.

blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

this summer shall be interesting as fuckkkkk :)<3

my bodys tired as fuckkk

but my head is ready to take on the world x_x

my body is also in achey pain

ib profin and sleepy pill time? i think so :)

desite how long its been since weve talked

and despite the fact i feel as if well never talk again

and despite the fact we have extanged some of the most hurtfull words

i stand by what i have said
i called you my everything
and i meant it

you truely do mean the world to me
and no matter what happens
and how much time passed

you
will be the one and only person i call my everything

and

no matter what
i will keep the most important promise i made to you
no matter what

ive broken it a few times
but ive learned
its been what feels like forever since i broke it
and as hard as it is
ill try to never break it again

and maybe one day our paths will cross again
and i can tell you how long i kept this promise

and maybe youll be proud
in fact

i know you will be
and i know you are

even thought i have no idea where you are

<3
i just hope youll never forget me
because i know ill never forget you

fuck this
w/e
i quit on you


blah
its pointless


today was mainly shit
with an exception of open mic night
tomorrow should be better

hopefully i have someone at work so i dont gouge my eyes out with a spoon
and i found two people that are willing to work there
so yay

gah
all anything is with you is head games
this is one of the reasons i didnt wanna come back
for the past three years its been one of us playing head games with the other
on the plus i think its me this time

because i know that last time it was you
maybe its mutual each time

gah
why x_x



i feel like poo
and i wanna curl up in a ball and die
but i have way to much shit to doooo
and a bunch of stuff on my mind
ive been sleeping all day and im bout to go sleep some more




fuck this x_x

i have such a thing for short guys its weird lolz dont girls normally like taller guys? haha oh wellllllz ^_^

how am i supposed to say no

you keep doing and saying adorable things

and despite the artist of this song, its adorable
and you are communicating with me through music
which i adore in so many ways





and this

long story short

finally done packing with an exception of stuff im using tomorrow, the walls are blank and boring, my curtains are down and i hate the emptiness and imprisonment...im not looking forward to going home and unpacking and still feeling imprisoned...but on the plus i thought of a way i can set up my room so i can bring my drum set to school, and i finally get to enjoy that yoohoo ive been saving since the beginning of the semester for this exact moment...its so bittersweet to be leaving...



and i want to say so much more
but i dont feel like it


and i want to feel...something, anything

just once i only had posters to take down i just got so emotionless
i hate when i get like this
its depressing
but it doesnt depress me
because i dont feel anything

i just feel empty
empty like my room
it sucks










fuck saying life is hard
growing up, moving on, and change is hard
 

and if thats the only thing i ever learn in life, ill be happy with it





























gah, i feel so lost right now x_x

http://www.erietvnews.com/story/18169369/veteran-hollywood-villain-chooses-edinboro-univeristy-to-film-latest-movie

a movie
about a school shooting
at my school

i knew there was a reason i came here
just kinda sad i couldnt be in it or anything like that D:

haha

dont repeat the same fucking thing over and over
if i said no the first 5 times obviously the fucking answer is no

when i change to idc that means your pissing me off


when i change to "i dont fucking give a shit"
dont tell me im getting an attitude
when i said "well no fucking duh"
dont hang up on me
then text me about it
then get pissy when i dont fucking reply in a min
ESPECIALLY WHEN I FUCKING TELL YOU I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF EMAILING A FUCKING TEACHER!!!

when i dont reply to ur second msg dont call me

when i like your status that is fucking about me, dont fucking text me about likeing your fucking status



my fucking god
im not sure if this is how you normally fucking are or if its cuz your fucking drunk


also, dont be like "well i guess im just going to go to bed" all fucking sadly
i dont get guilted into fucking doing things

grow the fuck up
and shut the fuck up
i dont fucking care


sdjfosadifhaoihtweoi[tuwiof[wut]i2ut]ptu249t

youd think that a girl would be attracted to a guy that would do what ever he could possibly could do to make her happy..











....whats wrong with me?

i like when people can bring me out of a bad mood with out realizing im in one or realizing what they are doing. those are the kind of friends you want to keep around :)

watch this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rvAv4TSLx-c&feature=youtu.be

i want to rant
but im too damn tired

so here are my past few facebook updates to sum shit up


hopefully taking a little nap, waking up to watch break out kings, then either going back to sleep till its time to get ready for class or staying up and working on more hw :) well nighty night after a productive 25 hours of hw and procrastination [11:13pm]

someone will die for the fire alarm going off x_____x [12:24]

dear people that wear pajamas to class,i can manage to change into jeans when i get woken up from a fire alarm and am in a "wtf is going on" daze, i think you have enough time to put on real pants before you walk out the door to class x_x [12:50]


and on an added note, on the plus side im awake for my show, haha

ive been sleeping in these contacts for god knows how long
a few weeks
actually, probably since i changed them
which i think was a little bit after spring break

i think i took them out a few times before i went to sleep

but its been a while
a long while

and i know the one day i took it out and then scratched the eyeliner off then put it back

i stop caring about things way to quickly
like with my tongue ring, i shouldnt have been eating the shit i have been
i mean, now its better
but the 2nd day i had it i shouldnt have been eating popcorn chicken
or pizza
haha

but yea
im taking out my contacts for the first time in a long while, haha


and idk why, but i felt the need to inform you of how poorly i take care of myself
god have mercy on my kid/kids if i ever have any...

oh hai there, this is just me being a fan girl :)

so close to just quitting, this just wasn't meant for me, i never wanted to go to college, and the only reason i ever wanted to was not for edinboro, it was for a vocational school. were id be learning what i want to learn and only learn shit that would benefit what i want to do it life...

i was in a great mood, and now its ruined...thanks...i hope you have someone that constantly manages you ruin your mood just like you always do to me :)

to all the kids back at saint annes, that said i was afraid to get my ears pierced,
now you really need to fuck off, not only are the pierced, but they are gauged.
and remember how i said "why would i be afraid to get my ears pierced when i want my tongue pierced?"
well that's done too

oh yea, and i have my septum pierced, but that's just because i'm awesome like that :D

im blogging due to the sheer boredom of this class
well, right now we are having a like 10 min break
and idk anyone in this class
well i kinda do
but i dont sit by them
so yea
haha

but its sociology, and its actually not all that bad
despite the fact all my teacher does is rant about poverty
and
NOTHING
FUCKING
ELSE!!

but yea
we just had a guest speaker
and evidently we were all just a part of a study
he was talking about seizures and stuff
which is really off topic
but i think he kinda thought we were focusing on a different type of sociology
but hes was all like 'its better to get views from a class that doesnt fully understand the topic and isnt educated on it because then they have a social view"

it was kinda interesting
even though one of my answers was
"they could be laughing due to the mass amount of fail that that patient is showing by faking a seizure"
haha, but he said they didnt need to sound all smart and scientificial and shit
and he said we could use profanity

haha
well, its time to get this shit started again...


more on poverty x_x blah
taxes!
yay x_x

i decided to see if anyone wanted to take some guesses xDD

there are 44 different bands and 46 pictures, so two of them are repeated :)
obviously you probably know what two they are with out looking at them :)
but still, good luck :D

deuce and ronnie

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YTaJLO74EWU

its actually pretty good
ironic

they both got kicked outta their band for having problems with the band and blah blah blah
and then they both say fuck you
and start their own thing
and kill it :)<3

i made this awesome background, i loves it
and i decided that if there is someone that knows who every band/artist is, i will marry them :)


and ill be forgiving of the 4 or so local bands i put on there


but i didnt just do it based off bands i liked
i did it more of "bands and artist i liked enough to know if i passed them outside"


because as much as i like a lot of bands, if one of their members passed me, i wouldnt know, so obviously fir and motley crue is on there ^_^

what makes it kinda funnier is that i have a few pics of older bands from when they were younger, and some of them dont look the same, but the point it, i wuz demmmmmmmmmm ^_^

and no ones gonna guess them
i sat here for like 20 mins trying to see who would be able to guess what band
haha
and if i meet someone that can, i will marry them
and have their kids
idc who the hell they were
but yea, haha
if someone can recognize all these random bands and artist, they probably also like stupid shit like peanutbutter of blts instead of mayo, and dipping there cheetos in mashed taters, and hot sauce, and yea, haha

i love the way i think


and imma be fucked tomorrow/today
i took a nap, but it was like a 3 hr one
then i was hanging out with ppl till 1230-1ish

and i came here and started derping around on youtube
and decided to make this epic background
and yea

 and breakfast is at 7, so theres not really a point to go to sleep
and i was up since 645ish
with an exception of my nap
so this is gonna fucking suck
especially with my 3-530 class x___x

i think that youtube is more destructive to me than facebook every could me, maybe, possiably

maybe they are tied
and shhhhhhit
i just realized im like not gonna have a phone tomorrow, because i havent charged it
and im telling you instead of actually doing it

and im debating weather if i want to get a shower now, or wait till after breakfast
but i mean, since i just took a little nap and didnt like sleep i really dont feel the need to shower
idk if thats just me, or you think its weird/gross
but i mean, not sleeping makes me feel cleaner than waking up does
like
if i wake up i feel all dirty and icky
but if i just lay/sit in bed and do nothing, when time comes to "wake up" i dont feel all icky and dirty


and i decided to wait till after, and im about to charge my phone












meow

ugggg, bout to go on fb just so i can see what you posted about me
because knowing you and out conversation and this 'situation' i know you have had to said something
you always do
but im not going on facebook for that
mainly because its basically the whole reason im avoiding it


you, my friend, are two faced.


and neither of those faces have eyes...

why wasnt i born in the 80's?!?!?

the music was so much better then!
and the fashion

well, in the part i would wish to partake in
which according to me is the only kind
because according to me the only music in the 80's was glam metal and punk
with according fashions, of course
but the main reason i say that is because the rest of the music was shit
which isnt really true
but i mean, i dont listen to it, there for it doesnt exist
and the glam metal/punk fashion was way awesomer that the "work out" clothing
if that makes sense

but it probably doesnt




anddddddddddddddddd
im going on a foreigner kick
and since i dont have a band t for them
im wearing my motley crue shirt
and yea
idk why im telling you
and my eye shadows awesome :)


anddddddd, pudding
haha
i think me and my friends are going to go get some free pizza
but with out luck it wont work
oh wells, its worth a try! haha

so i logged on to fb
but just to grab an address
andddddddddddddd
yea
i got distracted on it for a bit
so i said yea, re-deactivating it



yay
lolz

i have 4700 views on this blog xD

but i re activated my twitter because:::
1. i use it once
2. i cant feel completely cut off from the worlds
3. im waaaaaay to much of a fan girl

haha xD


i may re-activate my facebook before the end of the week
but thats because, well what else amd i supposed to do in my soc class!?!?

i mean, okay, its not like i sit in class and neglect what hes saying
but i mean, we are still talking about poverty
which we were only supposed to talk about for a week or two

but i mean, by doing that ill be going against the whole point of me doing this


ill figure out what im doing eventually, haha



andddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd
i made it over the three day hump of quitting, haha xDDDD

soooo many drugs!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FafMTHdxraI&feature=colike


watch.laugh.love.

i feel like im updating this a lot
but i do normally have tangents like this


but i'm literally like one paragraph short of where i need to be, so i might contemplate getting more sources

and i still need to do the works cited page, but im going to procrastinate that a tad bit longer, and i actually think thats what he meant by 7 pages, but im actually sure at one point he said between 5 and 7 pages, and if it was 8 pages he wasnt going to read it



well find out
i have an A in that class, so im not all that concerned about missing a point or two for being a paragraph short. i mean, if i wrote a legit conclution paragraph id be fine, but he always tells us that we just need to restate the thesis, so thats what i did


haha, letter time :)<3

watch these...

http://www.keek.com/imxaxmuffin124/keeks/mHJbaab


http://www.keek.com/imxaxmuffin124/keeks/mHJbaab#wHJbaab



but in case you dont want to....
the one talks about how iv been procrastinating this paper for far to long because i always have the constant urge to creep on facebook and twitter
and how then, well i said 'drama', but it wasnt really drama
thats just the easiest way to phrase
and its something thats so stupid for me to get upset about
and then i got angry at people, which makes no sense
but its girl logic
like, i litterally started shaking with rage and sat there and drank cups of pomegranate tea [which is what i drink so i dont kill people as i have said before]
and that one along with the other kinda goes into the fact that im so addicted and caught up in stupid shit that its effecting my grades
which is bullshit and immature
and then i started getting all teary eyed because i dont think any one will ever under stand how much this scares me
like im terrified
i cant believe that im actually taking away something from myself thaidt litterally almost seems like my world in order to do something productive
idk what it is
but i never thought that i would ever be able to actually be that pissed off or be able to take life that seriously that i would take something like that away
and i mean, its not going to be forever
i just seriously need to get my shit on track
i do actually want to become something, eventually
which is also something i never thought i could take seriously

just the fact that im taking something this serious is freaking me out
idk if im finally getting mature, or if im finally opening my eyes, or if im dying, or just idk
but i cant tell you how much it scares the living fuck outta me
and idk if its that my procrastination issues finally got to me
or if its that random rage thing or what
i have no fucking clue
and idk what im doing
and here i am anyways, typing away, and expressing myself
but hell thats what i do, if i cut my self off completely id die
i like to vent and rant
thats just who i am

but i do it more here
because i feel like i annoy everyone on fb with my constant posts
and i think its weird that i actually had to deactivate them to stop myself from going on them
even tho i know that all i have to do it log on to reactivate them
i think its just that since its like they dont exist i dont have to worry about checking my notifications
as silly as it sounds
but its really depressing how connected to them i am
and it supises me that i actually have a real social life with how much im on them
idk
its all weird
and i kept sitting here saying that i should update my status saying im actually getting work done
but no one cares, and everyones sleeping, and i cant
i mean, i can
like i said all i have to do it log in to get them back
but still
idk
i already explained this
but idr if i said this, i got to the point where i almost started tearing down all of my posters and shit off my walls
thats another thing that freaked me the fuck out
but this is getting long
and i really need to work on this essay
and finish it
and maybe read for my classes
and start this other paper for a class
but i did however promise myself that i would write back to someone
because its been far too long since i have
so after my paper im doing that
then ill try to get other work done before brunch, if at all possible




and on a finial note
is it weird or normal that i really want to see who texts or calls me and confronts me about it
i mean im assuming jenn, maranda, krystal, and probably colleen will, but two of you are probably reading this, unless you read this after
i told 2 people that i suspected would ask, well, i was just kinda talking to the one
and i knew the other one would
because shes the type of person that will click on peoples profiles and scroll through everything and like it


anyways, i REALLY wanna see if i can not go on them for a full week, and i REALLY wanna see if anyone actually pays attention to my life enough to notice/care







on that note, im going to try to do some work...and for once, succeed at doing it without distractions...

in case you are wondering


i deactivated my facebook
i need to not be on it
for a list of reasons




but im sure ill be back soon...

theres not enough fucking time
or words
or letters
or space
or anything that will let me be able to vent and just get everything out right now








 just when i stop being all cluster fucked and shit, it happens again


i quit
i just fucking quit




its pointless
every
last
FUCKING
thing
is pointless

that was almost not worth it, thanks :)

so im dressed like a girl today and i say girl because i dont want to offend people that dress like this by saying whore and im not that whory my tits are just all up in your face so i decided it would be funny to take some stereotypical whore pics but i know if i upload them ill get shit, haha because bitches be tripping and im too lazy to put then on my comp and i promised myself id do the dishes because my room mates refuse too... oh yea, and i passed out at 1130pm woke up at 430am and couldnt go back to sleep to save my life and now im like tweaking for a nap but i refuese to take one ill probably nom soon, then write this stupid paper thing, blah and i just thought of an easy way to show you the pics i haz webcam xD so yea, here are my sterotypicial whore pics :D because i feel like one :D

so im a heartless bitch..

i was bored in class, so i started derping around in my yahoo email in a folder i found this "'love' and its an....condesending topic, if thats the right word. Its complex. Confusing. I was explaing to someone y i dnt 'beleive' in it, if u will. which was that i dnt see it as anything more than a word. So this person proceded to explain itto me. And as he explained it, i couldnt seem to grasp y ne onewould want that. To constanly have some one on urmind to b incomplete with out them. To miss them wen they are with u, its seems like a hassel and pain.yes i have said i love u to ppl, but wen ppl tell u they love u, u feel rather obligated to say it back. I just dnt think that love is an emotion, purley and only a word, and evidently a genre of drama, and to me, thats all it will ever be. Love is purley not an emotion..." i really dont feel like correcting all the mistakes but i still kinda stand true to the thoughts i dont fully agree with it now, but it makes complete sense and i dont want to get all into is also i have a shit ton of views on my blog and i love who ever reads this shit because i am a girl, and i do have an attention seaking side of me i love getting views and comments and RT and likes on social networking sites :) but yea, i dont like the new blogger set up, but its kinda set up the same on my phones app, that i dont use, nor do i think i have it any more but hell, ill get use to it i mean, i have had this one for what seems like FOREVER, but in reality its only been like 4 years which is still forever i think ive had this longer than fb anf fb changes like every 4 months meh ill get use to it but now, imma explore it and this layout makes me feel like i type too much, and i now feel obligated to end this so i donnt bore you so yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, deuces xD

like a shooting star from across the room, so fast so far, you were gone to soon.


i feel like im like, crushing one someone
but i don't know who
the feelings are just there

maybe its because this song is adorable and cute
or because im really tired
or because i dont know why


but regardless, the feelings are here







and i vaguely remember this happening before
but i dont remember what happened
and im about to search my blog to find out










on the plus i think i finally forced someone out of my thought process
then again, it was his doing
i am actually a girl. shocking i know.
but the fact that i felt wanted by someone that hurt me makes me get over them instantly.
as weird as that seems

even though i hate that the past two times i got all strung out on someone
but those were all like "were gonna go out"
then like
yea, no we arnt

so maybe thats why
i dont know

but on more important notesssss:::

i have 4 more note cards that need done
and my out line for english, by wed
then my paper by friday
which untill i just counted i thought i still needed like 7 cards
i did however accidentally miss my english class because i was doing the hw for it

my music project was due monday
we thought it was wed
so we got almost all the filming done
and i have all the footage that we have, and credits, edited
all i need is those other 2 or 3 shots
and then i need to put everything together and in order

and i really want to make a parody to this song that i like love...kinda
but i probably wont go through with it
i have the intro, which was easy
and the first 2 lines, haha
its a lot harder than i thought
but im just gonna drill the song into my head so that its easier :)


and i guess imma stop here and derp around online for a bit more, then goto sleep, hopefully

i may take a sleepy pill, because not only do they help me sleep, but they help me wake up

and i have my alarm clock set so that itll wake me up right after i get out of a second rem cycle, assuming i goto sleep at the right estimated time, which is where the medicine helps

i need to buy more
well, not really, i didnt use them as much as i thought i would last semester or the beginning of this semester

but i kinda want to use them more other just so that i can get back on a sane sleep schedule, although i did enjoy sleeping from 6pm-2am then being awake till like 1ish when i passed out :)

i just cant

force myself to do this hw x___x


uggggggg x____x


i love how everything works out in my mind then crashes and burns when i put it into action x___x




i need to go to a school that will allow me to actually learn stuff i wanna learn x_x

i think im finding a pattern in my thoughts and actions
if i keep track of it well enough i should be able to managed to make a sleep scheduled that will allow me to sleep when im normally not in a good mood

and be awake for class
and be awake so that i have time to do hw


so far im thinking i need to start going to bed between 5pm and 8pm, and waking up around 3am or 4am


if i can make myself do this itll be perfect till the end of this semester
except the social life aspect

but then ill be fucked in the summer
for work
and concerts
and hanging out with peopl


but it may get me through this semester

how fucking ignorant are you

i was nice enough to let you borrow my fucking xbox, so when you are going back home for the weekend NATURALLY im going to want it back, right?

okay, so wait, where the fuck is it?

oh in your room, okay

wait, its in your common area?
with 2 people i dont fucking know
and one person that doesnt particularly like me?
and one for those first two people you barely know

and its SITTING IN YOUR FUCKING COMMON AREA?
the one that NO ONE FUCKING LOCKS EVER!??!

are you fucking retarded?
i dont give a flying fuck if you do that to your shit, but mine?
fucking really?!?!

and no, im not coming upstairs to get it
your going to bring it back to me and all the cords better be nicely and nothing should be plugged in to anything
and it better now be a fucking cluster fuck

because if you ever want to borrow it again its a no
but if you give me it back looking like you just fucking threw it in my bag its going to be a FUCK NO!

go buy your own damn xbox
or better yet, use your fucking room mates, you know
the room mate that is almost never there






im really not sure if people are getting stupider or if im just getting bitchy-er
or a combination of both


but i just fucking hate EVERYONE right now
and by that i mean a large majority of people
but not that large
maybe like half
or a little less than half
but thats still a-fucking-lot









*runs outside and starts bashing head against brink wall*
IM AN ART MAJOR NOW!!!!




ironically, two of the people are art majors, well the two that are really fucking irking me today at least
hence why i added that

too much on my mind
and i feel like its all about to explode out of my eyes


uggg, im stressed out about the stupidest shit

and you spamming my fucking phone asking me pointless questions that ive already answered 100million times isnt fucking helping

arg



i wish there was a crazy mocha on campus so i can get my pomegranate tea and a biscoti and just fade away in the back corner with my music for a while
its weird that i made that my happy place
but when i did that i didnt feel as socially awkward and alone
and i hated when people came with me


maybe ill take a walk and sit on my bench for a while to clear my mind



blah x_x

because of my mass amount of RT's i just spammed twittier i think its pretty clear to tell whats on my mind



like always






but, something i know i havent addressed because i didnt realize how common it actually was until today
i fucking hate the phrase 'yolo'

i mean, i enjoy the concept of saying you only live once
but its annoyingly overused
and people use it in stupid fucking situations, at least in my opinion
idk

it just seems like one of those things that will be "ooops, i cheated on my bf with another guy yolo" or "got shit faced again and lost my phone yolo"
idk, i just think that people like that will use it
"ooops, i got pregnant again, i might actually keep this one because im finailly responsible and yolo"

any ways
idk
i have probably said you only live once before doing something stupid
but its been in different cases, obviously
and like, idk, im not gonna say yolo, im going you say you only live once

but all in all
i think that the mass of majority of people that use yolo use it because they want an excuse to do something fucking retarded or need a reason to back it up so they dont feel so bad about their lives

and i feel like that was really mean and bitchy
but oh wellz, deal with it of gtfo cuz yolo :D

i have this stupid ass fucking pimple thing in a awkward place in my ear x_x

its been there for a while
but now its really starting to hurt! D:
ugggg

i feel like i havent updated this is a while...





now that feeling is semi gone

maranda, its not wrong if it helps you pass the class ;D







anddddd, i actually need to rantish to you
about someone
that is now making me giggle because of his doucheyness
^_^
anddddddddddddddddd, im depending if i should try to fuck with it for my own enjoyment
or just let it be






hmmmmmmmmm xDDD

dont take your guns to town

i gots too much on my mind


or for once its all about school


this is a bit scary
arg, too much going on
thank god i dont have classes tomorrow

and i have a 4 day weekend
because i forgot to set my alarm x_x

took a few hour nap last night because of a head ache
woke up around 11
rolled around in bed till about 3
then decided to sit outside for a bit because it was a bit stuffy
worked on DnD shit till break fast, which is 7
came back to my room around 8:15
derped around on the computer
skipped english because i got an A for my midterm grade, and i only have 4 note cards when we need 15, and i only missed 2 or 3 days counting this one
i say or because the one day we were in the library and i dont think he took attendance, and i told him that im an idiot that couldnt find them
so i took like an hour nap
went to math
then music
then got noms
then played pool
and darks
and enjoyed the weather
then came to my room
registered for a summer class
its june 11th till july 12th
i think
its online though
and if i need to be online at specific times, im dropping it
and i just noticed that the last day was warped tour
soooo, im hoping to god i dont need to be in class for it
at least the finial
so if i do ill tell him im working a lot at different hours and it might conflict
and see if i can reschedule
or drop it
my dates might be wrong, they probably are

i was going to clean, but i guess im getting noms then playing DnD
sooo, oh wells, it was a nice little productive day








and the lady made me a custom milk shake thingy
and it was amazing
and she was soooo fucking sweet and kinda
i wanted to hug her :)
shes my favorite person in the world right now
and if shes not there when i go back ill be really depressed
i should have asked her how many shots of pumpkin she put it
well, pumps, not shots, but hopefully this person will be amazingly nice too
im guessing she did 2 or 3
but i really dont want them to charge me for all them
because i dont think she did
oh well, itll b worth is

it was delicious
and i described it as
"if i gave ronnie radke a bj, his jizz would taste like this"



and i really dont know why i associate jizz with tasting good...because, yea, well, its jizz....

no, just fuck you know
your over fucking dramatic
and i get shit because i offend you over and over again while not meaning to
even after i said im an offense person because i assume that everyone is like me and not a pussy when people say 'offensive shit'

oh wait, i did also tell you that i speak with out thinking
yea, that was one of those times

and me telling you to shut the fuck up, WHILE I WAS FUCKING LAUGHING, was offensive too


im sorry, but we can't be friends, but you dont underFUCKINGstand that
please just stfu and walk the fuck outta my life


and i bet if you were reading this, you would get offended
and try to send me on a guilt trip, like FUCKING always x_x




and i dont punch hard, so stop being a little faggoty bitch about it


whoooops, bet that was offensive

first, id like to point out that this post is my house number





secondly id like to point out some irony in my life

i remember saying that there wernt enough black people at edinboro
and now, i have black guys asking me out
lolz

not what i wanted to happen, and i have a feeling that seems racist, but that wasnt my intent







oh irony, you have a way with everything

i googled my self, the blue are wins (falling in reverse, chris from punchline, and S.H.I.T) the orange are fails (some chick next to a picture of a twilight dude, and ryan sheckler) haha, regardless, its awesome ^_^

never trust a happy song

maranda: fuck you, maybe i wanna be happy!!! haha














and on another topic
someone managed to convince me to goto south side today
on st patrics day


i was supposed to be home at 10
i didnt get home till 12ish

and i thought i put my zune in my purse before i left so i could listen to music on the way home

and i cldnt find it on the way home
so im hoping its here, i mean
i think i put my headphones in my bag then said to myself i needed to look for it
but im not positive that i did

and im afraid to look for it incase it isnt here

buttttt
i do have someone that loves me enough and said shed buy me a new one if i did lose it


haha


any waysssss, im contemplating what im about to do....hmmmmmm

i got a new layout, im not sure if i like it or not yet....









hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
well see...

i want to clear my mind
block some stuff out
and let other stuff in


i need to be in a different mindset than i am
even though i practically forced myself to be in the one i am

i dont want to change
but i know i need to

right now i have the motivation to do it
but i know it wont last

it might for a bit
but it never lasts







i want to pick up
and start over new

i just want things to change
for the better















and its weird
and kinda scary that i want things to change for the better

i mean



im such a negative person
i cant be positive
but i need to try to be

and the first step to being positive
at least in my book
is to believe that i can be positive

party!! party!!! party!!! woooohooooo!!!

this is my 800th post!!
w0000t! xDDD


haha















but yea, i got sooo much shit on my mind
and i wanna rant, but i really want feedback
which is weird
im weird

ugggg, sitting on fb chat

talking to three guys
2 that like me
1 that i like

and of course, the one with the guy i likesish is going no where x_x
but me and the other guys have been talking for a while
despite the fact that one is saying he still likes me after ranting bout his ex that hes in love with and blah blah blah he wants it to work blah blah blah, said he wants his kid to call me mommy instead of her blah blah blah its still been going on for a while, haha


and the other one is, well, him, lolz
and he needs to stop saying cute shittttt, lolz

"hey, arn't you that chick that is having sex with that college guy?"
"no"
"you wanna be?"

days like today remind me why i hate people x_x haha










i may have the mentality of a 5 year old
but at least i can tell difference between a joke and someone being serious...

so its almost impossible for me to be positive











and I'm really starting to think that there is no way in fucking hell that I'm coming back next semester


fuck.




































still wishing i was in Maine at NesCom, then maybe i wouldn't be failing to miserably



ill talk to my parents, and see what they thing about me dropping out of Edinboro and going there, Edinboro just isn't where i need to be.

I mean, I'm taking classes that i don't want to take, because they don't benefit me in anyway.

i probably should have taken wellness and walking, then i would have passed.
maybe over break I can try to do some more shit, arg, I just don't know what to do anymore...I'm just not motivated enough to be here

soooooooooooooooooooo
today was funnnn


it was nice so me and some people played out side
and by that i mean we had chalk xDDD

it was awesome
except for the one cunt that "mumbled" "im not 5, im in college"
when i asked her if she wanted to play with chalk
like stfu and get the stick outta your ass
we had like a 25 year old playing with chalk xDDD


and now im procrastinating packing
mainly because i got a lot to do, and i dont wanna
but im taking home a decent amount of shit that i dont use or wear so its easier for me to pack when i move out


so yeeeeeea



and for like a week ill be living at krystals over the summer xDD haha

bahahahahahaha, i have a play list withhhhh:::

wiz kahlifia
trey songz
snoop dog
yelawolf
mc larz
k.flay
lady soverign
twiztid
brokencyde



yet another example of how my life is interesting, bahaha

























and i will never cease to be amazed by how fucking retarded people are in edinboro x_x
like with common sense and shit like that


and a decent amount of annoying fucking people
like, im not your friend, idgf about your life



any who








my phone is being shit
and no one loves me enough to take me to sprint
which is acceptiable
it just makes it harder to do shit
and i love that it really acts up during the weekends



and ive been saying i was gonna get a shower since i came back to my room around 1:30
but i got better shit to do, haha








and u think i have dnd today, im joining people that they started
but seeing as how 1 of the 2 people that have my number doesnt have unlimited txts and prob doesnt want to text me, and my e-mail thing spams his phone and uses more texts, and no offense to the other...butttttt...i really dont think shes smart enough to txt me e-mail thingy if im not replying to my phone


but then again, with me knowing that, i should msg her first
but probably after a shower
and after a little nappy :)
im on 29hrs
but thats not much
im gladd i got this no sleep thing on a friday night to saturday morning
so i can goto bed whenever today
and wake up whenever :D


haha
so i kinda dont wanna goto sleep super early
but i am kinda really tired
and im not here enough to corridnate times to see if its logical that im this tired
but it probably is
i mean, thats more hours than should be

















and i kinda think i hear someone at my door....butttttttttttttttt, idc
xD



haha, maybe a cat nap...or nap till like 11pm
bahahaha
that would suck


anywho, im rabbeling on
and i murdered that soooooooooooooooooooo bad its spell check is all like "DAFUQQQ!?!?!?"

hoe bag-- i.e maranda!

you need to skype me cuz my phone no workssssss, haha





and i stand by that theory for yesterday/todayish too ^_^




awesomeness rolls over from day to day sometimes :D

good days are good :D



especially when they are good, then great, then AMAZING!!!

youll never understand how boring edinboro is on a weekend when you have no phone
x_x



i felt so alone and isolated
but it sucked because it wasnt really by choice
despite the fact i didnt put in any effort to really look for people till later


but my phones finally charging
so thats a plus i guess


im probably gonna make some mac and cheese seeing as how i didnt eat anything today besides the cupcake my room mate gave me
and my tummy is yelling at me
them imma do some hw and goto sleep at a semi reasonable time, i hope
im shooting for before 3
and then maybe i can get up and get noms and hang out with people

maybe i just needed a full day of nothing

this is the first day since the beginning of the year i didnt leave my building




and that makes me realize that when i say day i mean from when i woke up at like 7pm till i fall asleep in a few hrs



anyways, yea, noms, hw, night :)

i was listening to music on you tube


and i couldnt make it through a whole song with out switching it


i mean, i started listening to a band callllllled ten after two i think

idk, i just saw the name
bryan stars did an interview

so i looked them up
like i do with alot of bands he interviews







and then i clicked through a bunch of there songs and got to a rise against song
then went through some of theres then realized i killed 20 mins
and i didnt listen to 1 full song

so im going to go outside and repetitivley hit my head against the sidewalk until im sane again
:)






and if i knock myself unconscious, maybe in a few hours when people are going to class theyll just kinda kick me to wake me up
then ill goto class
with dry crusty blood all over my face


that sounds exciting
and it sounds like it would be worthy of a "my life is so interesting" text
haha

ugggggg


cant sleep

my stomach hurts really bad :/

and my rls was acting up really bad :/

and i guess i got a lot on my mind

i was laying in bed for an hour
no music
no tv
no lap top
no phone

and i just couldnt sleep
which makes no sense
because around 11 i was yawning like fucking crazy :/

im probably going to walk around aimlessly for a bit
or until i get cold

then just end up pulling an all nighter
because its almost 5 now, and im not going to be able to just sleep for 4 hours :/
my body doesnt let me JUST sleep for that little

so blah
ill just drink a bunch of coffee
and eat oatmeal
and drink naked
and then emergency c
so i stay awake
till like 530

i would skip my 3 class
but i have a test, even tho its a take home test
i might just go, and assuming that he will give us the test during the first half and not the second, dip when we get a break

or ill e-mail him and tell him my tummy has ouchies and i was all barfy
because chances are ill still be like this tomorrow
i was monday during the begining of the day
and today/yesterday towards the end
blahhhhhh

i should have taken my sleepy pills at 2
but i was like "no, they probably wont kick in until 4"
but its 5 now
so maybe if i take one itl still let me wake up
i mean
tomorrow is a day that im not too concerned with my classes
no tests or anything 'new'
well, maybe in math
and excluding my 2.5 hr class


blah, well see what happens tho i guess....

guys are confusing!

especially if you dont know if they are gay or bi x____x





stupid guys with their confusing signs x_x
haha












it would be the smart thing to ask
but i guess i dont really care that much
i just care enough to know! haha'

im such a nebshit xD

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IFOI w
pofi Q
GOIWU G IPF
JFGFPO
[WIRUGPOWITHWUROWRUT9]PWEYTUO8Uuiurete;oirtuwpo
ti'eowituaer'rotigud7giuayut
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this is how i feel
and not in a excited way


x____x




girls night was surprisingly fun tho
but i need singe friends up here
im getting really tired of being the third wheel...

i keep checking to make sure that its thursday




the days are going too fast









and the nights seem way too long


















and i almost miss being irked all the timeish

but then again, naw i dont














blah, i need a hobby
sitting here thinking isnt good for me
blah

idk if i already posted this




but the other day i noticed something









i have more mutual friends on fb with people i dont even know than my room mates
the only mutual friends i have with my room mates are my other room mates...

i put a post about local bands

so you comment how you are going to see fir

well two can play at that game
so i rant bout how i saw them and be a fan girl

then you say should i care


well, yes, actually you should because SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!

person: "hey, you awake"
me: "yea...y?"

5 mins later....




10 mins later...




okay, well fuck you then!

so you tell me to turn down my music cuz its too loud and your doing hw

the reason it was so loud was so i could drown out the tv and you talking in the other room

and i never new playing games was hw


but w/e floats your boat

i dont care how much i dislike him in fir

i mean, i just dont think he really fits the style
and i dont like he has the same name

but this is one of the most depressing status i saw in my entire life




i hope he reads it and smiles :)

spent the last like 3 or so hours watching bryan stars interviews

and i bawled during the a7x one
and laughed my ass off during the hollywood undead ones

and the rest were awesome


and then i was like, okay, ill watch ronnies, then go to sleep
and i watched that

and obsessed about how much i adore that man :)<3

and then i watched some other interviews and what not, then got depressed because mika's not there any more :/

than i caught up on mattg124's videos because he seems to be the only you tuber i give a flying fuck about

and i laughed sooooo fucking hard, because hes hilarious


then i was like, hmmm, ill scarlet, i wonder if they are good
which they are okay, depending on the song

then i started clicking around and what not
and yea

blah

i randomly got really depressed outta nowhere
and have the urge to bust into tears

but no reason why
and the tears wont come



soooooo, yea, weird
idk


maybe its a girl thing
or maybe the fact ive been awake sine 830am
yay for no classes

i guess ill waste my day away sleeping

at least i wont have to spend it watching my news feed blow up bout valentines day
i actually enjoy avoiding social networking sites on all holidays
like get the fuck over it...its just another day, haha
but consumerism made it a holiday
and put something symbolic behind it

but hell, when im 21 ill probably enjoy any holiday that gives me an excuse to drink
haha xD












my nights are so lonely with out someone here to give me an excuse to sleep, lolz
oh wells xD





and now a fir song came on, and iz all happy again
i swear, its purely unhealthy with the amount of obsession i have towards ronnie
well, i mean, at least i know its obsession...

thats not as bad than thinking something else right?

so that not mono not strep throat thing i had is actually tonsillitis

it was acting up so i went to the dr office on campus
and he looked at it and was like "its a clear case of tonsillitis"

like really!??!
when it happened before two doctors both swabed my throat and tested it for both mono and strep and they were both negative

so they gave me medicine for mono

uggg, i hate doctors x____x
but now i haz medicine for this ^_^







and btw
people are fucking retarded

sooooo i got a text saying
"do you wanna celebrate valentines day with me"
and i was like what does that involve
the answer was sex
and i was like no

then i was like you can come get your shit tho
and the response was "im too busy"


like really?!?!
you not to busy to offer sex, but your too busy to stop by for like a min to get your shit



arg, imma punch him in the face x_x
i hate people

so i found this...



and by found i mean a guy from my internship that i love posted it, haha

andddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd, yea, it made me giggle :)



and then made me think
why the fuck am i at edinboro still?

im no hipster, but i can make your hips stir ;)

so i have my glasses on, and i have stabucks coffee...i decided to be a hipster today, so im now creeping on tumblr, which may i add, i had one before it was cool...

i love that i have friends that dont sleep

and that i get texts at 2am saying "hey lets do something"


then another one at 3 xD



haha, and i love that two of those people live like on the other half of campus, but still walk there asses over to me in the snow :D





any who
my ear really hurts x_x
from someone wrestling with me on my bed

then me trying to get free and pulling both of us off
and wacking my ear off the metal bar on my bed

im glad the floor is carpeted xD


and even though i know iv fallen off my bed before, i just want to inform you that its like one of the scariest things ever!!





oh yea, and best quote thingy of the day...

"you know what would go really good with this cookie?"
"what?"
"buttsex"


haha, my life is so interesting xD
and i think that i need to text maranda in the am telling her that full story xD
if i can remember it, i might


but i enjoy texting her saying "my life is so interesting"
and shes always like "oh god, what did you do"

in case you didnt know...


my life is soooo interesting xD lolz

im being positive
and productive
well, except right now


but it was the smartest thing in the world for me to take off tuesdays and thursdays
its helping me pick all three of the sides of the college triangle [enough sleep, social life, good grades/study time]

so yea
and my english class was 5 mins
so that means either today is going to progressively get better
or that its gonna be fine, then just turn into complete shit


haha, and i love making new friends :D
yay!

im so eaisly excited
i also got really exctied about an incense burner for no reason xD


any who, time to finish some last min h/w :D

that funny moment when someone is completely avoiding you...



...then give your friends the evil eye...




like grow the fuck up xD

like really?!

it shouldnt be this hard to return someones shit


why the fuck would you ignore my texts yet up date your status like im not on facebook!?


i hate people, haha


and im don bitching, for now





which will probably only last for a day or two...oh wells :)

same ass hole pissing me off...


and then someone awesome fixing it :D



this has been my life for the past few weeks..
but not any more, im finally not trying to be as much as a fuck up :)



me: 1
world: 3 billion

...do i wake you up to talk to you?
or just let you sleep?


i mean, i guess it really doesn't matter...

...you didn't notice anything when you were awake...




...i really just don't understand how your mind works



...and i probably never will...

ugggg, i really do hate people...

i really want to drop out of edinboro
and go work for a few years
weather its at francos or some other place
or two places
because id still have to be a busser at francos probably

and then im going to nescom
http://www.nescom.edu/content/4305/Courses/

i like this
but i know i wont be able to go through with it
because nothing likes to work out right

maybe i can work at the hazlette
because she did kind of offer me a job type thing
but yea

i dont know
i still have my heart set on nescom
well, and iar
but nescom and like, more reasonable

but maybe i could like do both
because iar allows you to go back for free when new technology and shit comes out
which it the main reason i still have my heart set on it
but id have to like, rent an apartment because they dont have dorms

but yea
i really want to go to nescom
because im not getting anywhere at edinboro
taking fucking psychology of communication
and sociology
and learning about classical music
and watching movies and analyzing them
and well, math right now is good
because we are doing like interest and tax shit
and english, i mean, i dont really need 101 and 102
because its like, heres how you write a paper
thesis, 3 topic sentences, and closing
and use transitions
sooo hard, i would have pulled a solid b if not an a if i actually went to the damn class

but as much as i hate how in the middle of no where edinboro is
and how much i miss the city
im willing to be even more in butt fuck no where and farther away from the city to go here


any way, yea
edinboro doesnt even offer any fucking courses that help me in sound

like i was looking for the pre requirement to see if i could take it here
but they dont have it, obviously, but it was worth a try
idk

heres a link for the fuck of it:
http://www.nescom.edu/content/4305/Courses/

you and i in a little toy shop, buy a bag of balloons with the money we got. set them free at the break of dawn until one by one they are gone :)

today was nice
it was REALLY awkward for like almost all the night

but one person decided to be un-awkward
and after everyone left except for him and his room mate [who i literally just met a few hours ago, which it why it was awkward, lolz, idk their names, well i think i know one of their names, haha]
i was like "you can like kick me out whenever you want"
and then hes like "you can stay as long as you want"
and then i was like "i dont like invading peoples space"
so he sat right next to me and was like "is that better? now im the one invading your space"

haha, its weird, but that legit made it a hell of a lot less awkward, lolz

and i felt the need to share that with you :D
haha

because well, idk, i really do appreciate the simple things in life sometimes :)

...yea, i have that effect one people



they either love me or want to kill me,

there is no middle ground xD










if i had a dollar for every time i said that, or something like that, i would make it rain hardcore on some bitches xD

thoughts are stirring through my head like a thousand tiny mice dancing...

whore face :p


what about legs?
haha

and i no haz class tomorrow, so if your not doing anything you should call
and i can tell you about it if you wanna know
or some other random shit xD
bahaha


i figured u were
a) sleeping
b) your room mate was sleeping
so i didnt call now, lolz
and i didnt feel like texting you, lolz

maranda,

its a long, stupid, retard, story


which is now irrelevant
kinda



haha




btw, i broke my curse :p
even tho im pretty sure i txted you that xD haha
just in case i didnt

and im officially done with you...




...so much for the happy posts...

i hate that you are right...




arg, stop it

i hurt everywhere
i literately got my ass outta bed and showed and dressed and did my hair and did cool make up that i never did before just to sit in bed


uggg, i really did plan my schedule for latter in the semester when i actually have home work


any who
another sleep over tonight
and probably another sleepless night

because once i fall asleep i stay asleep for a few hours then wake up every hour until i had to go to class, of till i was just tired of sleeping


arg, idk why im in so much pain
maybe i have that joint thing that gets bothered by the cold, which im pretty sure i dont have

its like in my back and shoulders and sides and wrists and feet and muscles
it feels like ive been on my feet for like 20 hours straight and did a bunch of weight lifting
and i did neither

i mean, idk


i feel refreshed, but in pain
how does that make sense?


and im trying not to take a nap
so that i can sleep tonight

and now i re-think myself...

just as an added note
i like that my blogs are happy
and then i can go back and read them with a smile


as compared to just mindlessly ranting
and being pissed
and sad
and mad
and angry
and god knows what else


well, thats all :)

packing, to go back to school...

but i think im taking more stuff than i came home with, despite the fact im leaving some clothes here...


i think i just need to move out, and permanently live up there
it would make my life easier


but unless i get a car
and a decent job
thats not happening

unless my parents pay for it instead of housing
which they wouldnt

because part of me thinks they actually miss me being home
which i sure as hell dont miss it

thanks giving break was nice
this was too long
spring break and easter break will be nice

summer is going to kill me x_x


im not sure how to handle having 4 months off
and im not sure how im going to handle not having april off


i wish college was year round...
that was one of the very few things i adored about city high


blarg
i think i need a tea break :)


im close enough to dont packing, kinda, idk w/e


iz just sad i gotta wait till monday to see someone instead of sunday D:
oh wellz, i shall live

ill use sunday to run around and procrastinate buying books and unpacking
im craving some wow wings :D hehe

and im going to try not to use all my flex
which shouldnt be a problem
seeing as how i kept paying other peoples flex...
and now i have people to goto van with
and now that i know when the breakfast/lunch/dinner times are
and now i wont be buying bottles of pop and what not
just energy drinks
sooooo many energy drinks :D

haha

i went to spaghetti warehouse
and i swear my aunt and uncle always like plan this
but we always get the same guy
and hes such a flirt
and it makes me smile
and giggle

its fun to listen to him to pretend to know what im talking about
and end up with three drinks cuz he keeps bringing me then despite the fact my glass isnt empty xD

haha

i should really actually work on knowing his name
and then ill creep on him on facebook

and then itll be really funny ^_^

i still love him :)

http://bryanstars.com/post/8610626264/ronnie-radke-and-get-scared-are-at-war-after-an

im actually tired at a reasonable time :)
hehe
today was good
and productive
i hope tomorrow is good as well ^_^

oh yea
this was the convo i had with someone, lolz

in the not green, idk how i phones work and i made this on smartpowned ^_^

oh yea, i forgot something in my last post...

i really dont like this 'ron' character thats touring with fir
i miss mika

i mean, i guess, he has to be good
hes pretty much a nobody
so he has to be good

he just doesnt, idk, fit
maybe he fits more
i dont like him
sorry

i have a headache
and i feel like im going to throw up
the longest ive been awake was about an hour
and now since its late that gets to change

yay?

not really, arg, i need to work the graveyard shift someplace so i can justify this fucked up pattern!

and because of all the sleep today, i literally ignored everyone that texted me or called me
and i didn't post anything to twitter or facebook

so im sorry if you were one of those people
but i doubt that you are

i talked to a whole 5 people today
2 of them being my parents
its a slow day

but ive realized that as much as i like the aloneness, i NEED to interact with a lot of people to be happy and content, thats why work always makes me feel better
i also strive for chaos, not too much, but there needs to be some
and im normally good at finding that perfect balance between chaos and sanity, i guess those count as opposites

this headache wont go away
and i kind of want to go to sleep
but if i do ill probably sleep untill 5am, and get all pissed off
im shooting for 1 maybe 2am as a time to go to sleep tonight
i hope i can make it till them, and i hope im not wide awake by then